Unbelievable Life
by Carleystan
Summary: Erin wakes up after an accident that left her unconscious for a week, only to have no recollection of the last five years of her life.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey Guys I am back with a new story! This was a prompt request I got from linsteadlove a few weeks back. She and I have been talking about it, and putting our Linstead loving brains together to come up with the plot of it for weeks now. I finally have the first chapter written, and I am so excited to share it with you all. Please read, review, follow, or favorite, but most of all enjoy! **

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><p>Jay was tossing and turning in bed. It was 5am and he had yet to fall asleep. He hadn't gotten much rest at all in the last week really. He just wasn't used to sleeping alone anymore, and worries plagued his mind 247.

He pulled himself out of bed and padded his way across the hall. Sliding his hand across the oak of the thin railing, he stared down into the crib where his baby girl laid fast asleep.

He could hear her quiet breathing and every so often her eyelashes would flutter, but never fully open. Selfishly he wanted to wake her. He wanted to see those big emerald eyes staring back at him. The eyes she'd gotten from her mother, and the only eyes that could make him forget, even if only for a moment.

He talked himself out of waking her though, especially since she hadn't been sleeping well either the last week, and instead made his way to the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee.

He collapsed onto the tan suede sofa with the mug of fresh java in his hands. He stared aimlessly across the room before his eyes finally met the frames of photographs on the mantel. He hadn't allowed himself to look at those photographs since she'd gotten hurt. It was too terrifying.

What if she never smiled like that again? What if she never got to hold their baby girl, like she was in the photo of them at the hospital the day she was born? What if she never got to kiss him again, like the photo from their wedding day? What if she never laughed like she was in the photo with the unit at Molly's? And god forbid, what would he do if she never woke up?

On the other side of town Hank Voight also laid awake restless in bed. He was planning out his day in his mind when he cell phone began to ring.

"Voight." His gruff voice answered the call.

"Hello, I am one of Erin Lindsay's nurses." Voight sat up in bed when she introduced herself. "Erin has just woken up and gave me this number, requesting that I call you."

"She what?" He yelled into the phone. He meant it to come out as shocked, but instead he sounded angry.

"Yes, Do I have the right number? This is Hank Voight correct?"

"Yes. Yes. Tell her I'm on my way." Voight hung up and quickly jumped out of bed to get dressed. He was honestly shocked that she hadn't wanted to call Halstead first. Rushing out of his house he dialed Jay's number.

The vibration of his phone on the nightstand pulled Jay from his thoughts. A noise usually so unnoticeable was one hundred times intensified by the eerie silence of the apartment. He hurried down the hall to go answer before it woke the baby.

"Hello?" He'd gotten to the phone too late, because the baby was screaming at the top of her lungs from her crib.

"Halstead, I'm on my way to the hospital. She's awake."

Jay had been in rout to go sooth the crying infant when Voight's news stopped him dead in his tracks.

"Halstead are you there? I said she's awake. Get your ass here!"

"I'm on my way. I'll drop Liv off at daycare then I'll be there! Tell her I'm coming!"

Voight entered Erin's hospital within ten minutes of receiving the call. That was something considering his house was at least a twenty-minute drive when traveling the speed limit.

"It took you long enough." Erin teased with a dimpled smile the second Hank walked, or more so ran, into her room.

He smiled shanking his head and went over to hug her. Neither was usually very affectionate, but Voight would make an exception. "You scared the hell out of me, kid! Do you know how long you've been out of it?"

"The doctor hasn't been by yet, but my nurse said six days?"

Hank nodded. "Yeah it would have been six days tomorrow."

"I don't even remember what happened to me. Was it Catalano?"

Hank was hit with a wall of confusion. "You mean Joe Catalano?"

"Yeah that's the case we were working on."

Hanks face rarely showed emotion but he couldn't help but show how shocked he was. "Erin, Joe Catalano has been in prison for five years."

"What? No that's not possible. We were working on the case." She lowered her voice "Justin was driving the car."

Hank fell back into the seat next to the bed. "Erin that was five years ago. Justin lives on base in Virginia now with his wife Olive, and their son. Do you not remember any of this?"

Erin contorted her face in confusion. "What are you talking about?" She shook her head frantically. "You said I was out for only six days. That couldn't have been five years ago."

He reached out to grab her hand but she pulled it away. Was this a sick joke? No Voight isn't the joking type, especially not in a situation like this. She felt like she could throw up. How do you just forget the last five years of you life?

"Erin we'll talk to the doctor maybe this will only be temporary. I'm sure your memory will come back."

"I don't understand. How can I just forget five whole years? Justin is married? He has a son? What else did I miss?"

Suddenly Jay popped into Hanks mind, and he instantly felt terrible. Erin didn't remember the fact that she got married three years ago. She couldn't remember that she had an eight-month-old daughter. He decided to tell her she was married but he'd save the baby part for Halstead.

"Erin, you got married three years ago."

Her jaw hung open. "I what?"

"You're married. I called him when the nurse called me. He's on his way now."

"I didn't get married. I would remember that. If I'm married why aren't I wearing a ring, and why does my chart still have my last name as Lindsay?

"He took the ring because he was afraid someone would steal it off you, and you hyphenated your last name for work. You still go by Lindsay."

"I…I…I" No words came to mind to describe what she was feeling. She had a million questions yet no words would come out.

"He's on his way. I let him explain. He'll do a better job than I can."

"Wait. Who is he?" She finally asked.

Voight gave her a sad grin. "I think you should wait and see for yourself. I'm going to use the bathroom I'll be right back."

He wasn't really going to the bathroom he was going to wait for Jay, so he could inform him that Erin had no memory.

Jay came sprinting down the hall full speed ahead, but was brought to abrupt stop when Voight stepped out in front of him.

"Halstead wait."

"Can't this wait until after I see her Voight?" He asked pushing past. Hank grabbed his arm halting him.

"She doesn't remember, Jay."

Jay scrunched his eyebrows in feeling lost. "What doesn't she remember?"

"She doesn't remember the last five years of her life. She thinks she got hurt working on the Joe Catalano case."

Jay's hand went to his face dragging it across his mouth as he sunk down towards the floor. He stood squatted down his elbows rested on his knees. Catalano. "Keep it professional." That's what Erin remembered about them. Not falling in love. Not their engagement. Not their marriage. Not their daughter. Not the incredible life they had created together. She had forgot it all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you all for having such a great response to the first chapter. Hopefully you'll enjoy this one just as much. Before reading know that italics are flashbacks.**

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><p>Erin sat alone in her hospital room waiting for this mystery man to arrive and reveal himself as her husband. Part of her was impatient and wanted him to hurry the hell up and get there, but another part of her was terrified to find out.<p>

She clenched her eyes shut tight willing herself to remember. She knew it wouldn't work though, and sighed deeply opening her eyes seconds later. She couldn't believe she had forgotten the past five years. How do all of those memorizes just disappear?

Her mind wandered thinking about whom this man might be. She honestly had no idea. Was it someone she would recognize? For all she knew he could be a complete stranger to her. She didn't know if she wanted it to be a stranger or someone she knew, or possibly even dated in the past. Well that's not true she did have someone in mind that she wanted it to be. It couldn't be though. Voight would have never allowed it, so she pushed the thought from her mind nearly as quickly as it got there. Then she stared at the door waiting.

She first spotted black boots breaching the doorway. She traveled upwards with her eyes. Dark wash jeans. Navy Blue T-shit. Black hoodie over top. Black leather jacket over top of that. A small grin pulled at her lips remembering the combination. Then her eyes met his face.

"Jay?" She couldn't help but smile with a sense of relief.

"Keep it professional right?" He smirked pulling her wedding band out of his pocket, and walking over to her. He fiddled with the ring in his hand before holding it out towards her. "This belongs to you. I've been holding onto it for safe keeping."

Erin held the ring in her hand examining it. It was gorgeous. It was a silver band with one large diamond in the center, and one smaller diamond on each side. It was simple yet stunning.

She held it unsure if she should put it on. Sure she now knew that they were legally married, but she remembered absolutely none of it. This ring was beautiful, but right now it didn't really feel like hers. Jay could see her hesitation in wearing the ring, and it hurt a little, but he understood.

He took a seat in the chair next to her bed, and every fiber in his being wanted to kiss her. He held back though, knowing it wouldn't be fair to her if he did. In her mind they weren't married. They weren't even in love.

"I uh..." He sighed rubbing his temple for a minute. "I know you don't remember, but I just need to say that I missed you so much. I was so scared." His voice broke, and he looked away from her eyes. He looked as if he was going to cry, and Erin felt terrible. She reached out and grabbed his hand awkwardly in an attempt to comfort him.

He stared down at their hands not knowing what to do. It felt like an awful nightmare. This woman looked, and talked exactly like his wife, yet she wasn't his wife. At least in her own mind she wasn't.

"Jay?"

"Yeah?" He looked up at her with sadness abundant in his eyes.

"Do you want to tell me about it? About us I mean?" She held up the ring she was still holding in her other hand. "About this?"

He smiled slightly and nodded.

"So you remember we agreed to keep it professional, and we did for awhile. About six months after that agreement you took a job running your own task force for the feds." He watched Erin's eyes go wide and her Jaw fall open, and he laughed a little.

"You always doubt yourself, Erin. You're an amazing detective. Anyways I came over the morning you were supposed to leave."

Erin could feel her cheeks turning pink. Here Jay was telling her about her own life. Their life together, and in her mind he was still just her partner that she was attracted to, and had crazy sexual tension with. This story was something she had been apart of, and yet she had absolutely no recollection of. She couldn't help but blush because she had no idea where the story was going. If it was the beginning of what Jay considered to be them falling in love, she could only imagine what could have happened when Jay arrived at her apartment, and that embarrassed her.

"_Jay, Voight is going to be here any minute to take me to the airport." She spoke when she opened the apartment door. She was slightly annoyed that he was there. He knew she was leaving today, and things had been extremely tense between them since she announced that she was taking the job and leaving Chicago. _

_Jay had desperately tried to convince her to stay for days. At first he didn't want to lose his partner, but the more he tried to convince her to stay, the more he realized that it was more than that. He didn't want to lose his partner. He didn't want to lose his best friend. He didn't want to lose the idea that they could someday be something more. So there he stood at her door, an hour before she was set to leave with only one final desperate plea in mind. _

_Without saying a single word he grabbed her face in his hands and crashed his lips onto hers. At first she let him kiss her without kissing back. She was to shocked, but after a few second she felt her lips begin to move with his. Her hands trailed up grabbing his broad shoulders. Jay kept one hand on the side of her face and the other moved down to the small of her back pulling her in closer against his body. _

_After a moment Erin came to her senses. Sliding her hands off his shoulders down to his chest she shoved him away. "Jay…" She panted out of breath with swollen pick lips. "What the hell was that?"_

"_Stay. Stay here. Stay in Chicago. Stay with me." He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and left his hand lingering on her cheek._

"_I can't." She whispered._

"_Why? Are you telling me you didn't just feel that, Erin? If you are I don't believe you."_

"_I did, but… but I have to go." She cried out with big sad eyes gazing up at him._

"_Why?"_

"_You just kissed me!" She yelled._

"_And I want to do it again!" He yelled back at her._

_Her face softened at his admission. She leaned her head into the hand that he still had resting on her cheek, and shook her head no slightly. "I can't stay." She whispered avoiding eye contact. "You kissed me, and I can't stay. I can't work in intelligence now, and I need to take this job. I have to go." She lifted up onto her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. "I'm sorry." Then she grabbed her suitcase and left him standing alone in her empty apartment. _

"So I left?" She was so into the story the whole time Jay was telling it. He couldn't help but find it incredibly adorable.

Jay nodded "Yeah. You totally just left me standing alone in your apartment."

"Okay, so then what happened? How did we get to this then?" She asked holding up the ring. She was completely enthralled and captured by the story. It was her life, and if she couldn't remember it herself she wanted to hear all of the details.

Jay laughed at how eager she was. "I pouted, and I went to the bar."

Erin smiled. "Now that I can believe."

He rolled his eyes grinning. The bickering, teasing, banter was something that had never gone away in their relationship. Right now the light playfulness was needed more then ever. If they couldn't laugh a little bit Jay was sure they would both, well at least he, would just sit there and cry.

Erin was sick of waiting. "Come on Jay! How did you get me to come back! I wanna know!"

"Oh no. I'm not the one that got you to come back. You did that all on your own."

"Okay well how?" She yelled at him. She was so curious.

"You texted me after your flight landed." He paused recalling the memory.

_Jay sat at the bar in Molly's, and Harman slid him his forth drink of the afternoon. She really left. Not only did she leave, but she left him feeling more confused then he already was. She kissed him back, and acknowledged the fact that there was something between them, yet she still left. _

_He sat at the bar nursing a glass of scotch trying to get drunk enough to forget when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out to read a text form Erin._

'_I really am sorry for leaving, Jay. I have to give this a real shot though. I owe it to myself. I miss you already. I don't expect you to wait for me, but I do wanna give that whole kissing thing another go when I come back to visit in a few months. If you're up to it that is. You'll always be my favorite partner.'_

"I did not say that!" Erin cut him off in the middle of his story.

"I was just as shocked then as you are now, but you did in fact text me that."

Erin was in disbelief. That sounded like something she would think about texting. It sounded like something she'd even type only to delete it all seconds later, but it did not sound like something she'd ever actually have the courage to send. That must have been some kiss she thought to herself.

"Okay fine so I sent this totally out of character text message, but that still doesn't explain how I got back to Chicago."

"We talked the whole time you were gone. Every day, all day we texted, talked on the phone, and video chatted." He smiled largely. "I guess we fell in love why you were gone which seems kind of crazy. We didn't have the threat of Voight breathing down our necks anymore since you no longer in intelligence, so we were able to actually I don't know; explore what kind of feelings we had for each other I guess. Then you came home four weeks later. You claimed it was because you hated it, but I still think it was because you missed me." He teased.

"What? No way I would never sacrifice my career for a man. I must have really hated it."

"Sure, Erin. Whatever you say." He joked.

"Alright, so when I got home what happened?"

Jay raised his eyebrows and gave her a mischievous grin. "You really need me to explain what happened the night you got home?"

She suddenly felt embarrassed again. "No. I don't need those details. I mean like did I go back to intelligence? What did Hank do when he found out about us?"

"You didn't tell anyone you were coming, and you just showed up at my apartment and surprised me."

_Jay sat on his couch sipping a beer watching ESPN. The guys had all gone to Molly's after shift but he took a pass. He wasn't in the mood. Today officially marked one month since Erin had left. Sure things were the best they'd ever been between them. He had even allowed himself to give into his feeling and fall in love with her the last few weeks, but he could never tell her that over the phone. It wasn't right. He wanted to tell her in person. His thoughts drifted to thinking about how badly he just wanted to see her in person, to talk to her face to face, to touch her, to kiss her, when he heard a knock at his door. _

"_Erin? What are you doing here?" He asked in complete shock. Was this a dream?_

"_I'm coming home, Jay. I hated it. I quit."_

"_You quit? Why? Why did you hate it?"_

"_Are you just going to question me about why I came home, or are you going to shut up and kiss me?"_

_Jay pulled her into the apartment matting his lips to hers. He kicked the front door shut before slamming her back against it, pressing her between the wooden door and his body. Erin fumbled with his belt eventually pulling it off and dropping it to the ground. They broke their kiss for the first time when Jay pulled her shirt off over her head. He buried his face into her cleavage. "Bed now." Erin panted._

_Later that night they lied in bed. Jay lied on his back, and Erin beside him on her stomach looking up at him. Jay traced up and town her spine with her fingertips. _

"_Why are you really home Erin?" He asked her delicately. _

"_I sucked, Jay. The guys didn't want to listen to me. I was responsible for screwing up a major case. It was horrible."_

"_You're the best detective I know, Erin. I'm sure it couldn't have been that bad. Erin Lindsay doesn't give up that easily either. I know you. There's something else."_

_She dropped his eye contact and picked at a loose string in his bed sheets. "Last night one of my superiors, the guy I was supposed to answer to, called a meeting with me to talk about how things had been going. He uh… He essentially said that if I couldn't get my unit together soon I was fired, unless I could find a way to prove my worth." She shook her head back and forth. "He didn't want me to prove my worth in the field, Jay. He was making a pass at me. My qualifications had nothing to do with why I got hired for the job."_

There was a knock at the hospital room door, which pulled Jay away form telling more of the story. Both looked up just as Erin's doctor walked in for rounds. He talked for a while explaining Erin's condition. He explained that Erin's memory could come back gradually or never at all.

Right when he left Jay glanced over at the clock and realized what time it was. It was after five. He and Erin had been talking all day, and he never even got to mention their daughter. He couldn't just spring that on her and leave, but he needed to go get her from daycare.

"Hey, Erin I actually need to go."

Erin gave him a confused look. Jay felt bad but there was no way he could tell her about their daughter right now. He didn't have the time.

"Oh okay." She answered doing her best not to sound to disappointed.

"I'm sorry. I'll be back first thing in the morning. Can I uh… Would it be weird if I hugged you?"

She smiled slightly. "No. Go ahead."

Jay leaned in and gave her a long hug. As he pulled away he kissed her lightly on the cheek. "I love you." His eyes went wide with realization directly after saying it.

"I'm sorry. Force of habit."

Erin could tell he felt awkward about it. "Don't worry about it. Really." She assured him.

He nodded. "Okay. I'll be back in the morning."

"Okay. See you tomorrow, Jay."

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><p><strong>I'm going to leave you guys hanging here. Next Chapter you'll find out how Voight responded to them being together, and Erin still does not know she's a mom, so stay tuned to see how that goes!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Welcome to chapter three! It's pretty long too! Please let me know what you think after reading, and thank you to everyone that has reviewed, followed, and favorited so far. :)**

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><p>The next morning Erin woke up early and couldn't fall back asleep. She sat in her hospital bed in silence bored out of her mind, before spotting the wedding ring sitting on the table. She reached over and grabbed the ring with a smirk on her lips that she couldn't help. She tried to wipe the smile away, but seconds later it was back. She looked to the door to see if anyone was coming, and when she saw that the coast was clear she slid the ring onto her finger.<p>

It fit like a glove, obviously since it was her ring, but for her it was still exciting because in her mind it was the first time putting it on. She held her hand out away from her face admiring the diamond beauty, and the way it sparkled when she moved her hand at different angles.

She'd never admit it, but she was excited for Jay to come back and see her. Sure it was partly because she was bored just sitting there, but she was also completely fascinated by their story, and wanted to know every detail about their life, about their love.

Jay walked in just as she was sliding off the ring. He leaned against the doorframe with a sad smile on his face. Erin looked up and him giving him a small grin.

Jay entered the room walking over to sit in the chair beside the bed. He nodded towards the ring she had set back on the table. "Maybe one day?"

Erin gulped. She remembered saying that. She knew he wanted an "oh definitely" response. but she couldn't give it to him. She didn't know for sure if she'd ever be ready to wear the ring again like she used to. So instead she nodded her head replying, "Yeah maybe."

Jay looked down at his hands in his lap disappointed. He'd expected a different reply, but he also knew he couldn't hold it against her. He took a breath and then tried to put on his best 'everything is okay' facial expression.

"So where did we lave off yesterday."

Erin smiled and then got embarrassed by how eager she seemed. "Voight. You were going to tell me about when Voight found out."

"Oh right. The always loving, cool headed Hank Voight." He joked sarcastically. "So after the weekend of staying with me you went to the station Monday morning. Of course Voight was quick to give you your job back, obviously considering you're his favorite. Then he asked you if you needed a place to stay. You lied and said you were getting a hotel room, but he insisted you stay with him until you found a new apartment. It would have been too suspicious if you argued, so you moved in with him for awhile, much to my dismay."

_The unit sat at their usual table in Molly's. Erin had been back a week and a half now, and this was the first time Jay had even got to be around her outside of work since she'd moved in with Voight. She might as well have been still gone considering he never got to see her. _

_Under the table Jay had his hand on her leg. With his pointer finger he was drawing circular patterns on Erin's inner thigh. She was doing her best to still take part in the conversation the unit was having, in order to not blow their cover, but he was driving her crazy. They had spent the entire weekend that she got home in Jay's bed, and now she hadn't even been able to kiss him in eight days. She was too nervous at this point to do anything at the precinct, and Voight had barely let her out of his sight since she'd gotten home. Erin understood that Voight had just missed her, and that he was lonely, but she needed some time to herself, or more so time with Jay. _

_Jay removed his hand from her leg, and she immediately missed the warmth, and the tingling feeling he gave her just by touching her upper thigh. She watched as he began to type something on his cell phone. Squinting her eyes she tried to read it but couldn't. Less then a minute later she felt her phone vibrate in her front pocket. It was obviously a text form him. _

'_Lets get out of here. NOW.' The message read._

_She looked at him out of the corner of her eyes and gave him a quick nod. Jay stood up from the table clearing his throat. "I'm actually feeling pretty exhausted guys. I'm gonna head out. See you tomorrow." _

_Erin stayed at the table and continued shooting the bull with the guys. Finally, about five minutes later her phone rang. She picked it up at the table._

"_Hello?"_

"_I want you so bad right now." Jay's voice came through the line._

"_Hey, Voight. What's up?" She replied making the guys think she was talking to Hank._

"_Meet me at my place in ten minutes. I just got new neighbors and tonight, by the time I'm done with you they are all going to know my name."_

_Erin tried not to blush at the table. "Alright. I'm on my way, Hank. See you in ten." She said hanging up the phone. She directed her attention back to the table. "Hey, guys that was Voight I gotta go. Sorry. I'll see you all tomorrow." _

_She knocked on Jay's door one time before the door flung open. "Get in here." Jay grabbed her pulling her into him. She instantly jumped up wrapping her legs around him and crashing her lips to his needing to feel as much immediate contact as possible. Jay kicked the door shut behind them._

"Okay Jay. That's…" She searched her mind for the right word but couldn't think of anything. "That's nice and all, but it doesn't tell me how Voight found out."

"Well I was about to get there if you wouldn't have interrupted."

"Fine. Sorry."

"Okay so after you left Molly's, I obviously wasn't there but from my understanding this is what happened. Voight called Antonio and told him to meet at the station. We were in the middle of a case and there was some new evidence that appeared that was about to help solve it. Antonio and all of the guys met Voight at the station, but we were a little busy to answer our phones. Then somehow it came up that Voight had called you and you were with him, and Voight obviously knew that was bullshit. I don't exactly know how they figured out you were with me, but they put two and two together. Next thing we know there's a loud, aggressive knocking on my door, and…"

"Oh my god." She cut him off. "It wasn't…"

"Oh, no it was."

Erin felt her cheeks go pink. She'd been blushing more the last two days then she had in her entire life.

"Erin, in our entire relationship that night is the only time I have ever wished you weren't a screamer. My new neighbors weren't the only ones that heard you calling out my name. "

"Jay!" Now her face wasn't pink anymore, but bright red.

Jay chuckled. He knew it would embarrass her before he even said it, but her reaction was adorable. "Come on you know you can get loud."

She shot him a glare telling him to knock it off. He couldn't help but smirk. He was used to that glare. He was always one to push the envelope, and press her buttons.

"Alright, alright! I'll get back to the story." He laughed.

"_Halstead answer the damn door!" Voight's gruff voice yelled._

"_Shit." Jay whispered searching for his pants to throw on._

"_You got three seconds or I'm knocking it down and coming in!" Voight yelled impatiently._

_He looked at Erin who was still in the bed panic stricken. "Just stay there. You don't have time to get dressed." He whispered hurrying to the door and opening it. _

"_You answer your damn phone when I call you!" _

"_Voight, it's late. I have neighbors." He said quietly trying to get Voight to lower his voice._

"_Ha! Oh trust me no one in this damn hall was asleep with all of the noise coming out of here. I expect you and Erin at the station in twenty minutes."_

"_Yes, sir." Jay nodded quickly._

"_One more thing, Halstead." Before Jay could even react he felt Voight's fist collide with his jaw. "Don't ever disobey my rules again. I want you in my office the second we get back from making the arrest tonight."_

"He hit you?"

"Yeah." Jay laughed a little in recollection. "I mean I guess I kind of deserved it. He had just heard me with his daughter."

"He's not my dad."

Jay rolled his eyes smiling. "He's basically your dad. Besides he didn't hit me that hard. I think it was just a warning more so then actually trying to hurt me."

"Are you defending Voight for punching you? Things really have changed in the last five years."

"Yeah Voight and I are good now. I mean holidays could get a little awkward if I didn't get along with my wife's father." He winked at her.

"Again he isn't my dad, but what happened when you met with him in his office then?"

"He gave me ultimatum."

_Jay walked out of Voights office extremely confused and unsure of what had just happened. He left the precinct and found Erin waiting for him outside. _

"_What happened? What did he say?" She asked urgently._

"_He told me to choose between you or intelligence."_

_Erin stared at him her eyes showing fear. She was afraid to know the answer. Of course she wanted him to choose her, but she also didn't want to be responsible for him losing the career he loves. _

_He placed his hand on the side of her face. "I said you. No contest, Erin. No hesitation. I told him I choose you. I love you."_

_She stepped up onto her tippy toes and kissed him. "I love you too Jay, but I don't want you have to give up the career you love."_

"_He didn't fire me, Erin. I was prepared to be fired, but when I said you I think he was shocked. All he said was okay, and to get out of his office. Then he said see you tomorrow. That was it."_

"_I don't understand."_

"_Me either, but I'll take it."_

Erin interrupted him. "Do you have someplace to be? Sorry, but you just keep looking at the clock, Then yesterday you left so suddenly. It was just kind of weird."

"Sorry. I just have to pick someone up."

"Oh." Erin answered although not completely satisfied with his answer. It seemed shady that he said 'someone' instead of giving her a name.

Jay could tell she wasn't happy with his answer, and he needed to tell her anyways, so now was as good of a time as any. "She needs to be picked up by six, so that's why I was in such a hurry yesterday."

"She?" Erin asked and then internally scolded herself for sounding jealous.

Jay grinned. "Yeah, Olivia." He stated seeing if the name might trigger some sort of recognition, but it didn't. He watched as Erin's face grew more confused by the mention of a woman's name. "I wasn't the only one that missed you this past week, Erin. Olivia did to. She's our daughter."

Erin's facial expression showed a combination of utter disbelief and sadness. She couldn't remember her own daughter?

"We have a daughter?" Erin stuttered the question out.

"Her name is Olivia, but we usually call her Livie or Liv for short. She's only eight months old. That's why I had to leave you to go be with her last night, and I'll have to again tonight."

"She's only a baby?" She was on the verge of tears. It was one thing to not remember your husband, but to forget a baby that you carried for nine months and gave birth to was on a whole different level.

"Yeah. Do you wanna see a picture of her?" Jay asked softly. He then pulled his phone out of his pocket.

"Yes!" Erin nodded eagerly.

Jay pulled up a picture and handed Erin the phone. Her hand immediately shot up covering her mouth as she began to cry. She brought the phone close to her face with her other hand. "She's beautiful." Erin cried.

"She is." Jay agreed. "That picture was just last week actually."

"Do you have more?"

"Yeah go ahead and scroll to the next one."

In the next picture she was obviously laughing, and she only had two little teeth growing in. Erin laughed at the picture while tears still streamed down her face. "She looks like you, Jay."

"Yeah but she's got your eyes. I was thankful for that this last week. When I looked into them it was like I was looking at you, and it calmed me down."

"Can I meet her?"

"Of course you can meet her. She's your daughter too. I just didn't want to bring her until we talked about her first. I didn't want to spring her on you, and overwhelm you."

Erin nodded understanding. "Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow's good. I'll be here earlier then today then too since I won't have to drop her off at daycare."

"I wanna know about her before I meet her, Jay. Tell me about her."

"She's amazing. She's super smiley all of the time, and rarely ever really cries. I don't know how two hot heads like us made the mellowest baby ever, but we did. She's just relaxed, and go with the flow except for this week. Her whole schedule kinda got messed up, and I could tell she really missed you, so her attitude proved her to be our daughter after all."

Erin laughed quietly with a smile plastered on her face. Tears still streaming down her cheeks.

"I wanna tell you more, but I really need to go get her. We can talk about her tomorrow when you meet her though, okay? I think she's going to be really excited to see you."

"Okay." Erin nodded quickly, not wanting to give Jay back his phone that held the picture of the baby. Her baby. Their baby.


	4. Chapter 4

Erin woke up early again the next morning. This time she felt even more excited for Jay to arrive then she had the morning before. As excited as she felt, she was also anxious and terrified. She had a daughter; an eight-month-old baby girl that she had no memory of. The most terrifying aspect of it all was the fact that Olivia would probably remember her. Well she'd remember the Erin Lindsay she knew as her mommy, but Erin didn't feel like that girl. She didn't know anything about being a mother. She wasn't even sure she knew how to change a diaper let alone raise a kid. The more she thought about it the more frightening it became.

Erin had drifted off back to sleep when she heard a slight knocking on her door. Groggily she opened her eyes to see Jay standing there. Over one shoulder he had a diaper bag, and his other hand held the handle of the baby carrier.

She sat up quickly, eyes going wide, undeniable smile spreading across her face.

"Good morning" Jay greeted her. She couldn't see the baby because the back of the carrier was facing towards her. A pale pink blanket was draped over top of it to keep out the cold on their walk from the car to the building.

"Morning." Erin greeted him back. "Is she asleep? She seems quiet."

Jay set the diaper bag down and then set the baby down next to the chair. "Yeah, she wore herself out babbling in the car." He laughed to himself. "I'll have to tell you about it in a few minutes."

Jay took a seat in the chair and removed the pink blanket that was draped over the car seat. Next he slid down the handle. Erin stared already feeling tears begin to well up in her eyes at only the sight of the top of the baby's head, her baby's head, their baby's head.

She watched as Jay undid the buckles and gently pulled the infant out of the seat. He stood up with her still asleep in his arms, and she began to stir. Jay leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Hey, baby girl." She watched her and thought she was going to wake up but instead she continued on sleeping. "Doesn't look like she's ready to wake up yet, but do you want to hold her?" He asked softly.

Erin nodded eagerly. She couldn't answer with words. Her breath was hitched in her throat, and her heart ached with both happiness and pain. Jay walked over gently bouncing the baby in his arms before handing her down to Erin. As he placed the infant in her arms she immediately felt tears began to fall from her eyes. This was her first glimpse of her baby's face in person. She was beautiful.

"Hi, Olivia. Hi, beautiful." Erin rasped just barely able to get the words to come out. Tears rapidly fell against her best efforts to control herself. She wiped her cheeks with the back of her free hand before softly stroking the side of her daughters face. "She gorgeous, Jay." She smiled unable to peel her eyes from the sleeping baby's face. The feelings of fear and anxiety she experienced that morning seemingly disappeared the second she held Olivia in her arms. She couldn't remember her, but she was sure that she had loved her. There was a feeling that she had never felt before in her life that made her positive that this little girl had been the center of her world at one point.

"That she is. Just like her mom." Jay agreed while also trying to keep himself from crying.

"Those chubby cheeks." Erin laughed making Jay chuckle in return.

"Her cheeks? Did you happen to even notice her little belly," He laughed. "We call it her…" But before he was able to finish his sentence Erin looked up at him and cut him off.

"Buddha belly. We call it her Buddha belly." Erin answered in shock that she even knew that.

Jay's jaw fell open slightly in utter disbelief. "You…" Erin cut him off once again.

"No." She shook her head solemnly. "I don't remember. I don't know how I knew that. I just… I did." She brought her gaze back to the baby girl.

Jay took a seat in the chair beside the bed unsure of what just happened. She claims she doesn't remember Olivia, yet she knew what they had coined their daughters plump round stomach. This whole memory loss thing was confusing, and the more he came to visit her the sadder it became. At first he had hope that it would just go away and her memory would suddenly reappear, but now three days in he had broken all of the big news to her, and yet nothing jogged her memory. It was painful really, and he was sure it would just become more difficult when she came home the next day.

"Jay… Jay." Erin repeated his name enthusiastically. "I think she's waking up." Erin watched as the infant's lashes began to flutter. Finally her eyelids opened and the first thing she spotted was Erin. She was always a happy baby when she first woke up from a nap, but this time was different. Olivia was all smiles as she wiggled around trying to sit up in Erin's arms. Her arms flailed around excitedly and began to coo and babble incoherent noises, making both Jay and Erin laugh.

"I told you she'd be excited." Jay smiled.

Olivia was sitting up on Erin's lap now facing her mom. She reached out and grabbed Erin's nose shrieking excitedly. After letting go she leaned down mouth wide open resting her face on Erin's chest.

"Uh, Jay What is she doing?" Erin asked pulling the baby back away from her breast. Olivia began to fuss and move back towards Erin.

"Oh she's hungry. I've got a bottle for her. I just need to go heat it up. There's a microwave in the cafeteria. Do you want me to take her with me? She's going to get fussy."

Erin stayed silent thinking it over. She didn't want him to take her away from her, but she also wasn't sure she was ready to be left alone with her daughter. Jay noticed her struggling with the decision. "I'll just take her with me. Walking around stops her from getting as anxious and crying. We'll be right back."

Erin admired Jay as he walked out of her hospital with Olivia, in rout to warm the bottle. He was a good dad, an amazing dad. She could already tell after just seeing them together for the last half hour. The way he looked at her was precious the love in his eyes was evident, and he was so attentive. It made Erin's stomach flutter a bit to think about. She hadn't been able to think about Jay as anything more then her partner and best friend since waking up, but seeing him with Olivia, their baby, made the gears turn a little bit.

Jay walked back in holding Olivia with the bottle plopped in her mouth and the baby sucking away intently. "She can hold the bottle herself, but do you want her to sit with you? If not I'll hold her."

"No, I wanna hold her." Erin nodded.

"Okay." Jay smiled handing her over.

"I said I'd tell you about the babbling in the car and it also has to do with her being hungry so it's the kind of the perfect segway into the story."

Erin looked up from Livie smiling "Okay let me hear it."

Jay retook his seat next to the bed. "So, she said her first word this week. Well actually she screamed it at me pissed off." He stopped for a second to laugh. "You see every night after work you would nurse her. Other then that she drinks from a bottle, but once a night right when you got home she'd nurse, and it was kind of just your guy's time. It was her mommy time. I think that's why she was trying to attack your boobs just now." He chuckled. "But this week when we'd get home, and I would put a bottle in her mouth she didn't want it. She'd scream and fuss because she was confused, and knew her routine was messed up. Then on Thursday when I tried to give her the bottle after work she wouldn't take it. She started to cry and scream, and then she looked right at me when she said it, and oh she looked pissed too, and she yelled 'mama!"

Erin laughed. "She did not!"

"I swear to god she did. She's stubborn like you. I didn't care that she was mad I was just so excited. I jumped up from the couch cheering, and tried to get her to say it again which she did. Now that she realizes that she can say it she's been babbling it ever since. This morning on the car ride here all I heard was her in the backseat chanting 'mamamama' over and over again."

"You think she'll say it today?"

"Yeah. When she's finished eating. Usually if I say it now she'll repeat it back to me."

Erin nodded happily.

"Do you wanna hear about when she was born?" Jay inquired. "I'll tell you right off the bat that you broke my finger."

"I broke your finger?" Erin asked smiling questioning if he was being truthful.

"Yeah I've never seen a grip that tight in my life. You squeezed the life out of my hand, and some how managed to break my pinky finger."

Erin chuckled. "Apparently you shouldn't question my strength."

"Trust me I won't question it ever again. Especially not after you had her. I don't know how you did it."

"Well if we are being honest I don't know how I did it either." She gave him a sad smirk.

"Well give me ten minutes, and you'll know the whole story." He tried to reassure her. "So we should have know she was going to be a pretty mellow baby before she was even born because she was content to just chill and never come out. She stayed the whole forty weeks so the doctors ended up educing labor."

"_Are you nervous?" Jay asked Erin on their car ride to the hospital. Their daughter was to be born that day. The doctor was going to induce labor, which actually took some of the stress off of Erin and Jay. At least now they didn't have to just wait on pins and needles for Erin's water to break at any moment._

"_Am I nervous? I'm about to push a human being out of myself. Hell yes I'm nervous."_

_Jay reached over and grabbed her hand. "Everything is going to go perfectly. By the end of the day we're going to be parents Erin. Just keep that in mind when you're in there alright?"_

"_Yeah. I know."_

"_Come on baby breathe. Inhale and Exhale." Jay attempted to coach her through her contractions._

"_If you tell me to breath one more damn time I swear to god I will kill you right here right… Arggg" She screamed again in pain. They had been at this for over three hours now. Jay could almost hear his pinky finger snap. He couldn't get his hand away from Erin though, and he didn't even want to know what her response would be if he complained that it hurt, so he toughed it out. _

"_Okay Erin, I'm going to need you to push on the next contraction." The doctor told her. "Can you do that for me?"_

"_I don't know. I don't know if I'm ready." She panicked._

"_Parents by the end of the day. Remember that baby." Jay whispered to her. "Let's get this over with and meet our baby girl."_

_Erin nodded quickly with beads of sweat dripping down her forehead. "Okay I'm ready on the next contraction."_

_Ten minutes later Olivia Halstead was born on Thursday February 9th at 1:58 pm._

"Did you cry?" Erin asked teasingly but also curious.

"Hell yeah I cried. It was amazing, Erin. I think I loved you more the moment she was born then I ever had before. I didn't even know it was possible to love you more until it happened."

Erin stared at him for a moment examining him. She knew he was telling the truth. She'd know since the second he walked into her hospital room the morning that she woke up that Jay was absolutely in love with her, or at least the Erin he used to be married to. Now all she could wonder was if she would, or even could ever be that girl for him again.


	5. Chapter 5

Erin sat up in her hospital bed, with her legs hanging over the side. She was going home today. Jay was set to arrive any moment with Olivia to pick her up. She was still in her hospital gown because Jay was bringing her fresh clothes.

"Big day. How you feeling?" Her nurse Rita asked her. Rita had been her daytime nurse since Erin had woken up, and Erin had grown quiet fond of her. She was older; Erin guessed somewhere in her fifties. She was short and petite, with dark hair and a dark complexion. Despite her mild appearance Rita was bold, brash, and sassy. That was Erin's favorite part about her. She wasn't afraid to tell her like it is.

"Good. I'm ready to get out of here. No offense. I'm just hoping going home might bring back some memories."

"Come on, you can't tell me that going home with that man of yours isn't part of your excitement." Rita winked.

"Rita!" Erin blushed.

"I'm just saying if you have to wake up and find out you have a husband, having him look like that softens the blow a little bit. He is fine, girl. You must have been doing something right."

Erin shook her head smiling, and stared down at her lap embarrassed.

"On a serious note, Erin" Rita began to speak sincerely. "I put a piece of paper with my number on it in your go home bag. If you need anything, have any questions about taking care of yourself, or taking care of your baby, or if you just miss my wisdom, give me a call. You understand me?"

Erin nodded and began to tear up. "I'm scared." She whispered.

"I know, but that man has been here every day since you have gotten hurt. He loves you, and I think he'll be understanding. He knows you can't remember. Besides that you have a little girl you need to go home and get reacquainted with. Everything is going to be okay."

Erin took a deep breath. "You're right. Jay's a good guy, and my baby, Olivia, she's cute right?"

The nurse smiled and laughed a little. "She's adorable, and I think she's ready to take you home." She pointed towards the windows leading to the hallway where Jay was currently standing holding Olivia. He was having her wave to Erin through the window.

Erin laughed and waved back to the little girl, and Jay.

"Alright I'm going to get your discharge papers while you get dressed." Rita said leaving the room. Seconds later Jay opened the door and walked in with Olivia.

"Mama," Olivia instantly shrieked.

"Hi, beautiful." Erin beamed. Olivia held her itty-bitty arms out towards Erin wanting her to hold her.

"Okay you can go see mommy for a minute, but then she's got to get dressed so we can go home." Jay spoke to Olivia as though she really comprehended what he was telling her.

Erin held her under the arms while Olivia stood on Erin's lap facing her. She reached out and grabbed Erin's nose the same way she had the day before. "What's with her fondness of my nose?" Erin laughed.

"Oh this." Jay walked over and bent down pressing his lips to the baby's nose, and made a strange kissy noise. Olivia let out a real belly laugh, her head tipping back as her chubby little stomach shook. "We've always done that to her. I don't really know why. Now she's obsessed with noses though. You're lucky she's only grabbing yours with her hand. Sometimes she'll attempt to do the kissy thing, but will really just slobber all over your face."

Erin looked down at her baby girl who was holding a colorful little baby toy in her hands. "I don't think I would mind all that much if she slobbered on me."

Jay laughed. "Good because she's teething and a drooling machine." He walked over to the bed with a bag of clothes in his hand. "Here I'll trade you, so we can get out of here."

Jay took Olivia and went back to sitting in the chair in the room holding her, and playing with her. Erin looked through the bag of clothes awkwardly. She wasn't sure if Jay intended on staying in the room. She knew she shouldn't have felt uncomfortable about that. Jay must have seen her undressed a million times at this point, but she was still weary.

After a few minutes Jay realized she was just staring at the clothes. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah I just." She chewed her bottom lip unsure of how to continue.

Jay caught on. He hadn't even thought about leaving the room. It never crossed his mind until that moment. "Oh you want me to wait in the hall?"

She gave him an apologetic smile. "I…" She sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, no don't worry about it. I'll take Liv on a short walk. She's getting antsy anyways." Erin could hear the hurt in his voice despite his attempts to cover it up.

On the car ride home Erin watched out the window memorizing the drive. She knew this city, so she recognized the complex when they pulled up outside. She and Jay had moved into the apartment after they had gotten married, so she had recollection of what the actual apartment looked like.

They took the elevator to the fourth floor and Jay unlocked the door to the last place at the end of the hall. She looked around taking it all in. The living room and kitchen were big and open. It was obvious that the apartment belonged to a young family. All of the outlets were baby proofed. There was a blanket covered with toys in the middle of the floor, and a bin of diapers next to the TV. Children's books stacked up on the coffee, and end tables, and the kitchen counter was covered in empty baby bottles, and unopened jars of baby food Jay hadn't gotten around to putting away in the last few days.

Jay gave her a quick tour of the entire apartment. It only had one hallway with a two bedrooms so it didn't take long. When they got to Olivia's room he pointed out the air mattress he had set up on the floor. "I figured I would just sleep in here and let you have the bed for awhile. Until you got comfortable."

"Jay." Erin felt bad. She knew she had already hurt his feelings by making him leave the room when she got dressed earlier, and now she was kicking him out of his own bed. She kept hurting him and that was the furthest thing from what she wanted to do. She knew this situation had to be hard enough on him already. "You can sleep in your own bed. It'll be fine."

"You sure?"

She nodded. "I'm positive."

"Okay." He smiled and Erin could see the gratitude in his eyes.

The rest of the afternoon was spent with the three of them laughing and playing on the living room floor. Jay showed Erin how Livie could now pull herself up and stand while holding onto the couch. She could crawl all over the place and quickly too. Erin's favorite was when she would lay on her back and pull her own little toes into her mouth adorably so.

After a few hours Olivia began to get fussy and rub her eyes. "Someone's ready for a nap after her exciting day at home with mommy." Jay smiled. "I'll go grab her a bottle to put her to bed."

Erin was in the living room with the baby when Jay cursed under his breath. "Shit."

"What's wrong?" Erin turned around holding Olivia.

"There's enough formula in here for a bottle right now, but there won't be enough to last her the rest of the day. I'll just make her up a bottle and she can come with me to the store to get some more."

"I mean does she fall asleep when she eats?"

"Yeah usually. Why?"

"I can stay here with her and you run to the store. If she's going to be asleep it should be fine right?"

"You sure?"

"Yeah it'll be good."

"Okay. I'm just going right up the street." He walked over with the bottle and grabbed Olivia from Erin. "I'll just put her in her crib. She'll drink herself to sleep."

"Alright, see you in a few."

Everything was going fine for about ten minutes before Olivia began to scream at the top of her lungs from the crib because she didn't want to sleep. Erin couldn't ignore the crying and picked her up. "Hey, baby. You're supposed to be napping silly girl."

Erin brought her out into the living room, and put her down onto the blanket on the floor with all of her toys. They played for a few minutes and Erin noticed the baby's eyes growing heavier as she became sleepier. She stood up to go get the bottle that she had left in the crib not quiet finished, and another blanket to cover her up with.

Suddenly she heard a loud crash coming from the living room followed by Olivia's screams and cries. She took off running into the living room terrified.

Olivia had crawled over to the end table next to the couch and pulled on the cord of the lamp making it fall to the ground and shatter. Erin scooped her up and inspected her for any cuts from the broken glass. She was fine but still screaming piercingly loud because the noise had alarmed her. "You're okay. You're okay, baby girl." Erin tried to assure her as she cried. She didn't stop wailing though. Erin began to panic looking around for a clock. "Jay, where the hell are you?"

She was on the verge of a panic attack now. She didn't know what to do, and couldn't stop doubting herself. Olivia deserved a mommy that knew how to sooth her baby when she was crying. Olivia deserved a mom that knew how to take care of her. Jay deserved a wife he could trust with their child when he had to run an errand, and that wasn't her. She was clueless about being a wife and mother. She didn't even know how to love her husband and daughter right now.

She put Olivia in her crib where she knew she would at least be safe, and did her best to drown out her sobs. Erin went back to the living room and sat on the couch pulling her legs in underneath of her. Finally everything caught up to her and she began to cry. At first tears escaped slowly creeping down her cheeks. After only a few seconds it turned to full on weeping. She was overwhelmed; she was terrified; she was angry that she couldn't remember.

Jay entered the apartment to find Erin still crying on the couch, Olivia screaming bloody murder down the hall in her crib, and broken glass from the lamp shattered on the floor.

"Erin what happened?" He asked panic stricken. He quickly set the bags down. When Erin didn't answer him he took off down the hall to check on Olivia.

He didn't think Erin would hurt her. He couldn't even imagine Erin ever laying a finger on their daughter, but that didn't mean Olivia couldn't have accidentally gotten hurt. He picked up the screaming infant looking her over. "Hey, you're alright, baby. Daddy's home now. Everything is okay, beautiful." He soothed his daughter holding her against his chest rocking her back and forth.

When Olivia had stopped crying, and was back to her usually smiley self, Jay took her back into the living room to find out what had happened. He took a seat on the couch with the baby still on his lap and handed her a small toy to keep her occupied.

"What's going on, Erin? What happened?" She wasn't crying anymore she was just sitting quietly staring off into space.

"I can't do this, Jay." She whispered. "I'm not cut out for this. I don't know how to be her mom. I left her for one second and she pulled down that lamp. She could have gotten hurt."

"Erin, it's your first day here with her. I messed up a bunch when we first brought her home. It happens and it's scary, but look she's okay. That's all that matters. Besides I've been meaning to move that lamp anyways. She's been trying to pull on the cord for awhile now. I should have already moved it, so it partly my fault to."

"Then I just put her in her crib and let her cry. She was probably so confused." Erin sniffled.

"Look at her. She's happy, and already moved on from what happened. She doesn't hold a grudge, Erin." He looked down at the baby prepared to prove what he just said. "Mama?" He asked the infant.

Olivia immediately looked up from the toy in her hand. "Mama. Mama. Mama." She chanted shaking the toy in her hand as she babbled.

Jay smiled kindly at Erin. "See."

Erin tried to smile back and nod. The doubts weren't going away anytime soon though. She wasn't ready for this, and she wasn't sure if this would ever feel like her family, or her life again.


	6. Chapter 6

**I know I take some time in between chapters, but lately life had been chaotic to say the least. I hope that the fact this chapter is really long will help. Also it is rated M, just a heads up. Thanks you to everyone that continues to read and review.**

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><p><em>Erin flung the hotel door open and began to breach the entrance when Jay grabbed her arm and pulled her back into the hall. "What are you doing? It's only been like four hours please don't tell be you're having doubts already?" She asked with a tint of playfulness in her tone. <em>

_With a small grin forming on his lips he responded. "No regrets. Never." He pulled her even closer bending at the knees slightly before lifting her up bridal style in his arms. "I'm just supposed to carry you over the threshold." _

_She rolled her eyes smiling. "You are so corny, Halstead."_

_Jay let out a groan followed by a cringe making it sound like he was in pain. Erin's eyes grew wide. After the last few months they had had she was terrified. "Jay, are you alright?" She asked panicked as he still held her in his arms. _

_He looked up at her and smiled. "I'm just kidding." _

_Erin swatted his shoulder. "Don't ever do that to me again! I thought you were actually in pain."_

"_Hey, it was payback. You called me corny." He explained finally breaching the entrance of the hotel room letting the door swing shut behind them. _

"_Because you are." She mumbled applying pressure to the back of his head so he was forced to meet her lips, not that he wouldn't have kissed her willingly. _

_Jay moved his arm around a bit allowing the duffle bag to fall to the ground as he carried Erin towards the bed, never parting his lips from hers. Right as he was about to drop her onto the mattress, Erin pulled her lips away and squealed frantically, "No don't drop me. It might rip my dress!"_

_Jay gave her a look asking if she was serious. He was met with an eyebrow raise that told him no part of her was joking. Chuckling to himself he gently placed her on her feet in front of the bed. "Okay bridezilla." He teased._

_Erin wasn't much of a girly girl that cared about dresses, but this dress was different. This was the dress she had worn on what she would consider to be the greatest day of her life so far, the day she married Jay, and she didn't want anything to happen to it. _

"_I'm a bridezilla? Says the man that nearly had a freak out over floral arrangements."_

"_I wanted it to be perfect. For you." _

"_For me?" She grinned showing her disbelief. "Shut up." She laughed. Her dimples showed prominently, and Jay couldn't help but to reach out and pull her in closer needing to taste her lips again. _

_They kissed feverishly for a moment, ripping off Jays suit jacket, as their tongues waged war. Erin pulled away again gasping for air. She turned her back to him, and collected all of her hair to one side. "Unzip me, Jay," she whispered. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up as she felt his warm breath. He placed a gentle kiss between her shoulder blades exposed by her strapless gown, before he took hold of the zipper. Sliding it down slowly he placed burning kisses down her spine every few inches. He helped push the dress down her body. His warm hands sliding against her warm flesh made Erin feel as though her skin was on fire._

_The dress fell to the floor, and she stepped out of it turning around to face him. Jay's breath hitched in his throat. The bra had been sewn into her dress, so there she stood in nothing but a pair of baby blue lace panties, that she had chosen as her 'something blue' for the weeding. At this point in their relationship he had seen and admired her body hundreds of time, probably closer to thousands of times, but that night it felt distinctively different. _

"_What?" She smiled biting her bottom lip after noticing him staring. _

_Jay reached out sliding one arm around her lower back to pull her to him, the other hand gripped her side near her ribs. He buried his face into her cleavage strategically placing searing hot kisses causing Erin's head to tip back as she moaned. "You're beautiful." He whispered. "And you married me."_

_An uncharacteristic, almost childlike grin overtook Erin's face. "I'm your wife." She whispered elatedly while gaining enough control over herself to loosen and remove his tie. _

"_Mmm."Jay groaned. "That sounds so sexy. Say it again."_

"_I am your wife, detective Jay Halstead," She whispered seductively in his ear. Jay couldn't take it anymore. His hand slid down from her ribs, and moved under her ass so he was lifting her up. She wrapped her legs around his back cupping his face in her hands as she kissed him passionately. _

_She fingers began to fiddle with the buttons of his dress shirt. Eventually she grew irritated when she couldn't get them. She groaned out a pout. "I can't get the buttons."_

"_I'll just rip it off." Jay panted as his lips explored the skin of her neck. _

"_It's a rental." Erin moaned loudly as Jay paid extra attention to the spot on her neck that made her go weak. _

"_Shit." Jay mumbled against her skin before tossing her down onto the bed lightly. She landed with a "humph."_

_Erin watched, practically pleading him with her eyes to hurry up as he worked on the buttons of his shirt. After undoing them all he ripped the shirt of rapidly and crawled overtop of her re-matting their lips. _

_Erin pulled at his undershirt assisting him in yanking it over his head. Once it was tossed to the side she put all of her weight into flipping them over so she was on top, and now fully in control of undoing his belt and pants._

_She teased him over his pants as she kissed down his bare chest. She kissed her way back up towards his face, and her hands fumbled with his belt. When her top lip met the rough skin of his scar she pulled back. She traced over it delicately with her fingertips. It was a reminder of how grateful she was for this day. Three months ago she thought today might never happen. She pressed a gentle kiss to the scar on his chest before finishing undoing the button and zip of his black tuxedo pants. _

_Jay flipped them back over so he could discard of his pants. He kicked them off and allowed his boxers to go with them. Now all that was keeping him form his wife was her baby blue panties. Erin's fingers tangled up in his dark hair as he kissed her lower abdomen while slowly sliding the lace down her slender legs. _

_He crawled back up the bed making sure to stop and give each one of her nipples proper attention._

"_Jay. Please." She begged. The floor play was great, but she was ready. _

_He laced their finger together up above her head and looked deeply into her eyes. They were filled with passion, desire, and lust. "I love you." He whispered before pressing a firm kiss to her lips and slowly filling her to brink._

_Erin let out a loud, long moan as she adjusted to his size. He began to thrust slow and deep, untangling their fingers to gain better balance. _

_With one hand Erin knotted her fingers back into his short hair. The other hand explored his toned back occasionally leaving fingernail scratches when he'd hit her just right. "Faster, Jay Harder." She panted._

_Her requests, and the squeaking of the hotel bedsprings only encouraged him. Wildly he began to plunge into her; giving her everything she wanted, fast, hard, and deep. Her requests turned into incoherent moans and murmurs, as she was no longer able to form comprehensible words. On occasion Jay could hear a "God, Jay yes!" _

_As he got closer and closer to the edge he began to have to drown out all the noises she was making. If he didn't he would surely explode into her, and he wanted to make sure she got there to. With his head buried into the nape of her neck, grunting into her ear, he could smell her fresh beads of sweat beginning to form. His lips searched before finding the correct spot on her neck. It only took a few seconds of suckling, and a few forceful pumps into the correct spot before he heard her say exactly what he was waiting to hear. "I'm coming… Ahh, Jay. I'm coming. I'm c…." Before she could finish her sentence they were shattering together. _

Erin's eyes shot open, and she sat up rapidly in bed now suddenly awake. She was nearly out of breath, and was sweating making her hair stick to the back of her neck and sides of her face. Her sudden movement had woken Jay who was sleeping beside her. "You alright?" He mumbled turning to face her.

She nodded before realizing Jay couldn't see the gesture in the dimly lit room. "Yeah. Just a dream." She croaked out. Although it didn't really feel like just a dream. She'd been having dreams every night since she woke up from her coma. The last three nights of sleeping beside Jay she'd had both dreams and nightmares, but this was clearer. It felt more real, like a memory.

After about five minutes of awkwardly laying stiff on her side of the bed she realized she wouldn't be able to fall back asleep. She crawled out of bed and headed for the living room. She knew there were pictures on the mantel. There were pictures from their wedding day, and she was determined to find out if she had in fact just experienced a memory.

Jay noticed her leave, but decided he would give her a moment to herself before he got up to follow her.

Padding down the wooden floor of the hallway in rout to the living room she hugged her arms around her body. Although she was wearing sweats and a t-shirt she was still freezing. Goose bumps covered her arms. Se looked over the shelf of pictures before spotting the one she wanted. It was a black and white photo. She and Jay stood chest to chest. Her hands had slid down from around his neck and were resting on his shoulders. Their foreheads were rested together, their eyes closed, her nose sliding in front of his, and their lips just beginning to meet in a kiss. The picture was stunning, breathtaking really. She inspected it, and despite the fact that it didn't show much of their bodies, she was sure it was the same dress form her dream. She could also tell her hair was the same. Now she really had goose bumps covering her arms, and not from the cold this time.

She studied the picture for awhile when Jay startled her. "Erin? Are you alright?"

She jumped slightly and then quickly sat the picture back on the mantel before he had a chance to see what she was doing.

"Just can't sleep." She lied and as he walked closer to her. Her eyes squinted staring at his chest as she decided if she was going to search for a scar.

"Whoa. Erin what are you doing?" He asked confused as she grabbed a fist full of his t-shirt lifting it up, but he didn't fight against her touches. It felt good to have her skin against his, even if it was just her roughly looking his chest over. She lifted up his t-shirt as far as it would go without having to take it off. Jay stood there stiff and confused. Eventually she tugged the shirt up far enough to reveal a scar on the right side of his chest. It was in the exact same spot she had seen it in her dream. She gasped when she saw it. Holding the shirt up with her left hand, her right hand trembled and shook as she reached out to touch the patch of bumpy skin.

Jay watched her shaking hand, and felt her cold fingers land on his gunshot scar. He still had no idea what was going on though, until Erin spoke. She let the t-shirt fall back down. "Did that happen right before we got married?"

Jay nodded. "Yes and no. It happened the day before we were originally supposed to be married. We ended up having to push the wedding back a few month though. Why do you remember something about it?"

Erin stared down at her feet. She wasn't going to admit the fact that she remembered the events of their wedding night. That was to embarrassing. "Not really. I just knew you were hurt."

Jay cleared his throat in preparation to tell her how he had gotten injured. "We were working a case. We'd made a deal to take on no major busts the day before the wedding. We didn't want any black eyes or busted lips or anything like that, but we never thought one of us would actually be shot. We were in the middle of a huge case though so we had to work. Voight sent us out to some brothel to meet with a witness when it happened."

_Side by side they entered an old worn down bed and breakfast that was now know for prostitution. They were after two pimps, two brothers, because they had fanned their business out, now dipping their greedy fingers into the drug scene. They were manufacturing and selling a new type of drug the intelligence unit had never seen before. It was some sort of spin off of cocaine, and had already left three people dead. _

_They entered with intent on speaking to a girl Nadia had set them up with. The only way it would work though is if they pretended to be paying customers to not tip of any of the other hookers. _

_Just as they entered the font door gunshots rang out from within the building._

"_Requesting back up to 3307 South Millard. Shots fired." Erin radioed in. Jay's long legs took off, and Erin struggled to keep up. When Jay got excited he forgot the fact that he was half a foot taller then Erin, and could easily outrun her shorter legs. She caught up to him just as he was breaching the entryway to a long hallway. She ran her hand across his back to let him know where she was. _

_They crept down the hall, weapons raised, searching for their suspects. They could hear the sirens approaching and everyone else inside must have too because out of nowhere a young girl in her early twenties ran out of a room in rout of escape. She had blood splattered on her skin, so they knew she had witnessed, or been apart of the shooting. Erin was closest to her, so she grabbed her and covered her mouth. "Don't speak. Now tell me where the shots came from, or well arrest you right here and now on prostitution charges. I'm going to remove my hand from your mouth, you are going to quietly direct me to them, and we let you go. It'll be like you were never here at all. You understand me?"_

_The young girl nodded frantically. Erin removed her hand expecting the girl to point in a direction instead the girl opened her mouth and screamed at the top of her lungs. "Cops first hall! Run!"_

_From there it was all a blur. Erin was forced to let the girl go when Jay took off down the hall in pursuit of one of their suspects he saw exiting one of the rooms covered in blood. Now Erin was really struggling to keep up with his long strides. In fact she couldn't keep up. Suddenly_ _two more loud shots rang through the building, and right as she turned the corner she watched Jay's body jolt backwards before he fell to the ground._

"_Jay, No!" She cried out running to his side. She pressed her hands firmly against his chest applying pressure to stop the bleeding. The first shot was him being hit, but the second shot was his retaliation. The man that had shot him now had his brains splattered across the back wall of the room. _

_Another officer entered the room behind her calling in for an ambulance. _

_Jay coughed and blood began to trickle from the corner of his mouth, and Erin applied pressure to his chest. "Jay, you stay awake, baby. The ambulance is on the way. You're gonna be fine."_

"_Erin, I love you." He whispered, as his eyes grew heavier. _

"_No, don't you dare close those eyes." She sniffled trying to hold back sobs. This wasn't a bust. It was supposed to be a simple undercover interview. A vest wasn't supposed to be required, but apparently it was. "Stay awake okay? I can hear the ambo. You're not allowed to leave me today you hear me? Now stay awake, baby."_

"_I'm awake. I'm awake." He mumbled with drooping eyelids just as the paramedics ran into the room. _

"If you were having cold feet I'm sure you just could have told me. You didn't have to go and get yourself shot." Erin joked.

"Cold feet was the furthest thing from what I was feeling. All I wanted was to marry you."

"But nothing can ever go as planned huh?" Erin asked turning to look at the picture again.

"I guess not, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. Our entire relationship has been full of curveballs. Nothing really has gone to plan, but most of the time it works out."

Knitting her eyebrows together she turned back to him. "Olivia?" She curiously asked, wondering if their daughter was also one of these unplanned curveballs.

Jay smiled and nodded. "Best surprise of my life." Erin could see the love and admiration in his eyes as he spoke about their daughter. "No, she wasn't planned. We'd talked about kids a little bit, but never seriously. We were reckless and careless when it came to birth control though, and that's how Olivia came about."

Erin nodded now looking at the picture of the three of them in the hospital, on the day she assumed Olivia was born.

"She may have been one of those unplanned curveballs Erin, but she was a surprise not an accident. We were happy. Well I was happy, and you were terrified, but once the shock and fear wore off you were ecstatic too. She's my little girl, Erin; the best thing that has ever happened to me."

Erin gulped. Hearing him speak so fondly about their daughter should have made her feel good, but instead it had the opposite effect. Part of her was jealous that she didn't feel that way about Olivia. She wanted to, and knew that she should; yet she couldn't feel that way, because Olivia didn't even feel like hers. Then the lamp incident popped into her head again. Olivia was Jay's whole world and she had almost hurt her the other night. Sure it was an accident, and the lamp hadn't actually harmed her, but it had came close. She could have destroyed Jay's entire world in that moment and she was terrified something would happen again, and she wouldn't be as lucky the second time.

"I um… I need some air." She walked towards the front door and threw on a sweatshirt and began to slip on her shoes.

"Erin it's three a.m. where are you going?"

"I…I'll be fine, Jay. I just need some space okay?"

"Erin wait!" He called after her as she left the apartment. He couldn't go after her because of the baby. "Damn it." He cursed heading back towards the bedroom.

The phone rang two times before it was picked up. "Voight, She just left the apartment. I don't know where she's going. She's on foot so she won't get to far, but I can't go after her because of Liv. Can you find her for me? Please."


	7. Chapter 7

A strange black vehicle pulled up beside Erin as she walked down the sidewalk. The wind was lashing at her face, her hair was whipping around, her nose felt nearly frozen, and the last thing wanted was to deal with some creep trying to pick her up. She wasn't really scared. Maybe she should have been, it was three a.m., and she was unarmed after all, but there were to many other things occupying her mind to be afraid.

"Need a lift?" The voice was familiar. She could recognize it anywhere. It belonged to Hank Voight. Erin swiftly nodded before getting in the vehicle. She immediately reached forward and cranked up the heat to the highest setting.

They were both silent for the first few minutes of the drive. Erin didn't need to ask where they were going. She recognized the drive back to his house. "Nice car." She finally broke the silence.

"Thanks. Got it about a year ago."

Erin nodded but didn't respond. "So what made you think a three a.m. stroll seemed like a good idea?" Hank finally asked.

"I needed some air. That apartment is to small, and to crowded."

"You can't just take off like that, Erin. You have people that worry about you."

"Jay knew I was leaving." She got defensive. "I told him."

"I know this has to be hard on you, Erin, but you need to at least acknowledge that it's difficult for him too."

Erin cut him off. "You think I don't know that? I see it every time I look at him Hank! That's why I had to get out of there. I'm hurting him and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Just being around is causing him pain, and I know he doesn't deserve that."

"You think running away is going to solve anything?"

"I think I don't want to talk about this anymore right now." With that Hank knew she was shutting down. Once Erin Lindsay decided she was finished with a conversation, she was finished. There was no way around it. He'd have to wait until tomorrow to get anything more out of her.

The next morning Hank was at his desk when Jay entered the office. Erin was still asleep when he left the house that morning. "Hey, Sarg thanks for finding her for me."

"No problem, kid. I think she's gonna be staying with me for a little while."

Jay nodded. "That's probably a good idea. I…I just don't know what to do. I can't make her remember. The first few days at the hospital she wanted to remember. She was hopeful and so was I, but then all of a sudden she just shut down on me. She stopped wanting to try and bond with Olivia. She wouldn't let me talk to her about our life anymore. It was like she just gave up. Then last night she woke up, and all of a sudden she started asking questions again. I thought maybe it was progress. She wanted to know about our wedding, and when I got shot, and about when we got pregnant with Olivia. Then in the middle of the conversation I saw her eyes just glaze over, and she shut down all over again. That's when she left."

"She'll get there. Just give her time."

"You really believe that?"

"I think at this point you don't really have a choice but to."

Jay nodded standing up from the seat and exiting the office. Voight was right. He had to believe that Erin's memory would come back, not only for him, but also for their daughter. Livie needed her mom. Erin had been an amazing mother and his daughter deserved that.

After leaving Voight's office he headed for a cup of coffee in the break room. "Hey man." Antonio greeted him. "How's she doing? I've been wanting to stop over, but I figured you three needed some time."

"If you want to see her you'll have to stop by Voight's. She's staying there now." Jay replied while pouring himself a cup of coffee. Erin always went straight to the break room and poured them each a cup in the morning. It was their daily routine. He'd make the coffee they would drink at home before leaving for the station, and she would get them another mug full once they arrived. He couldn't even remember the last time he had poured himself a cup in this break room.

"Sorry to hear that man." Antonio gave Jay a pat on the back. "I'm sure her memory will come back. It might take time, but I really do believe it'll come."

"And if it doesn't I'm left without my wife, but even worse than that my daughter is left without a mother." Jay was tired of hearing 'give it time.' There were no guarantees, and if being home with him and their daughter didn't bring back her memory he was staring to lose hope that anything ever would. "The best part is she'll still be working here. She'll still be around, and I'll get to explain to my little girl why her mommy lives in Chicago, but isn't a part of her life."

"Jay, even if she doesn't get it back, Erin is a good person. I don't believe for a single second that she wouldn't want to have a relationship with Liv."

"She hasn't gone near her since the day she came home from the hospital, Antonio. I could see them bonding. Olivia couldn't tell she was different, and I could see something in Erin's eyes. She was re-falling in love with our baby, but then Olivia pulled a lamp down and almost got hurt. Erin blamed herself, and after that she hasn't gone near her. She won't even look at her, Antonio. Olivia screams for her. The last few days she'll yell and cry "mama" desperately trying to get Erin's attention, but she won't even react."

"Erin has always had a great heart Jay. I know you don't want to hear that she needs time, but she does. Give her space and let her figure it out. Even if the memories don't come back, you and I both know she won't be able to pretend like she doesn't have a daughter out there. She'll be apart of Olivia's life."

When Voight arrived home he found Erin sitting sideways in the chair in his living room. Her legs were hanging over one armrest of the seat and her back rested against the other. She was still in her pajamas eating ice cream straight from the carton.

"So you found my secret stash."

"Mhmm. I was craving something sweet. I didn't forget that you always keep vanilla bean ice cream in the house."

Hank took a seat on the couch. "Camille would never put it in a bowl either. She'd always steal my carton and eat straight form it." He smiled recalling the memory.

"I know. She and I would sometimes steal it, and eat from the carton together when you would work late. That's how I knew your hiding spot in the freezer. Although I'm not sure why you still hide it."

"Just out of habit I guess."

"Yeah." Erin put the lid on after scraping out the last bite. She sat the container down on the coffee table, and then turned to sit in the chair the correct way. "I missed her when I woke up this morning. I felt like I was seventeen, and would walk downstairs to find her making breakfast and packing Justin a lunch for school." She wouldn't usually talk about Camille with Hank. She knew it upset him, but she was feeling rather brave, and she needed to talk about it. She needed to talk about things she could actually remember for at least a few minutes.

"I know how you feel. I miss her every day. I wake up and expect to see her right beside me, but then reality sets in."

"She'd know what to do right now huh? She'd tell me how I'm supposed to deal with all of this."

"Yeah, probably. She usually knew what to say. If you had to guess what to you think she'd tell you?"

Erin squirmed in the chair, suddenly uncomfortable. "I don't know." She looked down at her lap and played with her fingers. "She'd probably tell me not to give up."

"I think you're right… I know about Olivia and the lamp incident, Erin. Jay told Antonio, and Antonio told me."

Erin stood up prepared to go upstairs to her room. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Erin, sit down." He was firm and stern. She felt like she was teenager in trouble again. "We're gonna talk about it."

"What's there to talk about Hank? I let her out of my sight and she almost really injured herself. It would have been my fault. That's the beginning, the middle, and the end of the story. There's nothing more to it."

"I think there is a lot more. You and I both know it. Jay claims you wouldn't even go near her after it happened. Would you agree?"

"Yes." She shrugged her shoulders admittedly.

"How about before? Did you feel any connection to Olivia before that?"

Erin looked down at the floor again. "I don't know…Yes. I guess. I didn't exactly recognize her, but I felt something. She didn't necessarily feel like my baby, but I could tell I had felt that way at some point. I knew that I used to love her. If that makes any sense."

"It makes sense. Then the incident happened, and how did that change how you felt, Erin?"

"Voight please." Her eyes were beginning to tear up. "Don't interrogate me. I don't want to talk about it. Please?" she pleaded desperately. It pulled at Hank's heartstrings, but he knew she needed to open up about it. She was stubborn and would never talk about how she was feeling on her own, but it was the only way she would make any progress.

"After she pulled down the lamp why didn't you want to be around her anymore?"

"I could have hurt her! She's better off without me! She has Jay, and he knows what to do. He knows how to be a parent, and I don't. I don't even love her. I don't love my own daughter. How sick is that?" She was finally crying.

Hank walked over to the chair and knelt down in front of her. "She does need you Erin. She needs her mom. You might make mistakes, but the good thing is she's to little right now to remember them. I know that baby girl, and it doesn't take long to fall in love with her. But you aren't going to get reacquainted with her sitting in my living room binging on vanilla bean ice cream. I think Camille would tell you that you'd regret not being apart of that little girl's life. I think she'd say it's tough now, but it can only get easier. I think she'd tell you it's okay to be scared, but you're right Jay is there, and he does know how to be a parent, and he is willing to help you. I think I knew my wife well enough to tell you that's what she would say. I won't ask you anymore about it, but I think you have some pretty big decisions to make now."


	8. Chapter 8

**I'm back with the quickest update of this story yet! All of the amazing reviews I received last chapter really motivated me to find time to write, so thank you all. :)**

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><p>Jay heard Olivia crying at five-thirty a.m. He wasn't really asleep anyways so he headed to her room. Hell, he hadn't really slept much in two weeks. The first week was because Erin was unconscious and he was terrified. Then there was three days where she was at the apartment but wouldn't even go near Olivia. Now she had been at Voight's for a week, and he just missed her. He missed pulling her into his arms when they slept. He missed the way she would call him frantically into the room, making him think something bad was happening, only to show him something adorable Olivia was doing instead. He missed the smell of her fruity shampoo. He missed the way it felt to just kiss her mindlessly. To feel their lips move together as though his lips were only made to fit perfectly with hers.<p>

"What's going on Liv? Why are you crying, baby girl?" He soothed her as he lifted her from her crib. "You can't sleep either can you?" She fussed a little more while wiggling around. She was obviously tired, but couldn't sleep for some reason. Jay knew it was probably because she missed her mommy. "Daddy can't sleep either. What do you say we go for a jog in the park? You love your stroller, and it usually makes you fall asleep."

Jay bundled Olivia up to keep her warm, and then changed into his running gear before heading to the park a few blocks away. They jogged for five miles. Olivia fell asleep in the stroller about a mile and a half in. For Jay the running felt incredibly therapeutic. When he was exercising he couldn't think of how messed up his life now was. His mind felt clear of it all.

After the five miles he took a seat on a bench in front of the parks playground. Olivia had just woken up and was staring to get hungry. He had the formula and a bottle of water on hand in the compartment underneath the stroller just in case, so he made her up a quick bottle.

"You feeling better now beautiful?" He asked her while pulling her from the stroller, and handing her the bottle. "Daddy feels tired. I don't feel all that better, but we'll get there huh? Like everyone keeps telling me it just takes time I guess." He leaned in and kissed her forehead gently.

Erin's feet pounded the concrete and her music blasted form her headphones. Why didn't I think of this earlier? She thought to herself. Running was good. Running felt fantastic. Running felt relaxing in a strange way, until she was stopped dead in her tracks.

Was this really happening? She squinted her eyes shut and then reopened them just to make sure. Nope she wasn't hallucinating. Jay and Olivia were really in the same park at the exact same time as she was. She thought about turning around and running the other way, but instead she found herself creepily staring at them while hiding behind a tree. She couldn't look away, but she also couldn't let either of them see her.

Jay looked sad, and defeated. She knew it was because of her, and she wished more then anything that she could make it better for him. She didn't want this. She didn't want to ignore either of them, but she couldn't see any other option. Being in their life right now only caused more grief.

"Mama" Olivia chattered along with a string of random slurs, and Erin's heart swelled slightly at the sound of the baby girl's voice. She was precious. Rather she loved Olivia or not, there was do denying the fact that she was beyond adorable.

When Jay stood up to leave she ducked her head back behind the tree praying he hadn't seen her. She watched as the pair walked back towards the apartment. A small part of her desperately wanted to chase after them. She wanted to apologize for all of the hurt and pain she was causing. She wanted to know what it would be like to be an actual family, but instead she waited for them to get out of sight and then continued on with her run.

Later that night Jay collapsed back onto the couch. Olivia was on her blanket on the floor playing with her toys. He was completely exhausted. He'd been doing this whole single dad thing for over two weeks now. Life was so much easier when he had a partner to share the workload with, both on the job and at home.

A knock on the door thankfully woke him up from drifting asleep. "Coming," he yelled while going to grab Olivia off of her blanket first. He was shaken up about the fact that he'd almost fallen asleep with her out free to roam the apartment on her own. That had never happened to him before, and it was slightly terrifying.

"Hey, guys what are you doing here?" Jay asked opening the door to reveal Adam and Kim on the other side.

Adam held up the grocery bags in his hands. "Can we come in or what?"

"Yeah sorry. Come on in. What is all this?" Jay asked following them into the kitchen while still holding Olivia.

"I don't know. Ask Kim. She did it all while you and I were still at the precinct. I'm just the delivery boy. Now let me see her." He reached his arms out to grab Olivia, and she smiled at him excitedly. She recognized her uncle Ruzek.

Jay looked to Kim expecting answers. "I just thought you could use a hand." She pulled out a rotisserie chicken and a side of potato salad she had picked up from the deli. "You gotta eat, Jay. Adam said he hasn't seen you eat anything at work all week."

"I appreciate the concern, and the food looks great, but really I'm managing just fine."

"Well I wasn't sure if you've had any time to go to the store either, so I got a package of diapers, some wipes, another can of Liv's formula, and also a couple cans of baby food."

"Kim, I can take care of my family." He was growing irritated with the fact that she had assumed otherwise. Even if it was true that he was supposed to get more wipes before coming home that night, but had completely forgotten.

"I know. I know. I'm not trying to insult you. You're a great dad. I just…I need to do something, Jay."

Jay's face softened. "Have you gone to see her yet, Kim?"

"And say what? Hey, I know you don't remember any of this but I'm your best friend. I was the maid of honor in your wedding, and I'm your daughter's godmother. Surprise!...No I haven't gone to see her yet. I can't, but I can see you and Olivia, and the Erin that I knew, the Erin that was my best friend would want me to make sure you two were doing okay. Just like I would want her to make sure Adam was okay if roles were reversed."

Jay nodded. "Okay. Hand me a plate then."

Adam walked back into the kitchen with Olivia. "Ayy time to eat stinker. Well time for daddy, aunt Kim, and me to eat. No chicken for you." He began to talk to her in a cave man voice. "You no eat chicken. You to little. You eat mush from can, and drink milk of cow. You grow big and strong. Then you can eat chicken too." Olivia smiled and squawked loving the attention from her uncle.

Voight was the last of the unit to leave the station. He wasn't really looking forward to going home the way he usually would on a Friday night. He'd talked to Erin Monday night and he really thought he'd gotten through to her, but Erin still moped around his house. She rarely left her old bedroom.

When he walked inside of his house his airways were immediately filled with the smell of Chinese food. "Erin?" He called heading towards the smell.

"Kitchen." She called back to him.

As he made his way there he noticed the dining room table set with silverware and glasses. Before he made it to the kitchen Erin entered the dining room with two full plates in hand. "I hope you didn't eat yet. I ordered for both of us."

"No I haven't. It smells great." He answered taking his seat at the head of the table. Who was this girl? What had suddenly changed in her during the eight hours he was at the station? He didn't want to question her about her progress though. He was hopeful she would just open up and tell him. Thankfully for him, just minuets into eating she began to speak.

"So I uh… I had a memory today."

Hank froze just before taking a bite of his noodles. "That's great."

"Yeah" Erin smiled in the slightest, and prepared herself to tell him about it. "I was in the living room and I saw that picture of you, Olivia, and me. Do you know what one I'm talking about?"

"Yeah of course. I don't have very many pictures around this place."

"Well I was holding it, and it felt so familiar, so I sat down on the couch and just stared at it for awhile. I don't know how to explain the sensation that came over me, but suddenly I could picture the entire scene. It was just there."

_Olivia was a week old and Hank stopped by on a Sunday afternoon for a visit. He took a seat in the chair in Erin and Jay's apartment living room, and Erin immediately placed Olivia in his arms. "Here go see grandpa, baby girl." Erin cooed as she gently handed her over. _

"_Be careful of her head." Erin panicked for a moment before receiving a glare from Hank._

"_Erin, I got her. I do know how to hold a baby."_

"_Yeah, I know. I'm sorry." She stood over Voight's shoulder hovering as he held Olivia. It was nothing personal, she just hadn't let Olivia out of her sight since she came home. She barely ever let Jay hold her. _

"_Here let me take a picture of you three." Jay chimed in holding up his cell phone._

_Simultaneously Erin and Hank both groaned. They both hated pictures and Jay hadn't stopped snapping photographs since the day she was born. "Come on smile. It's for Olivia." He reprimanded them as he snapped the photo. _

_Not long after the baby began to squirm and fuss. Hank took that as his cue to give her back to Erin. "I think she wants you now."_

_Erin smiled down at her daughter as she was being transferred back into her arms. "Someone is hungry and ready for a nap." She looked back up to Voight and Jay. "I'm going to go feed her and lay her down."_

_Erin sat in the rocking chair in Olivia's nursery feeding her. The second she stroked the side of Olivia's face her mouth was open and she was searching ready to eat. Erin was thankful that she didn't have any issues latching on. When her doctor suggested breast feeing she'd done tons of research and was initially terrified, but now she was so thankful she'd listened. She felt such a strong bond with her daughter when she nursed that she couldn't imagine not doing it. _

_She began to talk to her softly as she ate. "I love you so much, baby girl. I don't think you will ever be able to understand just how much I love you. I can't even really fathom it, but it's so much. I love you more then anything else in the world, and I'm always going to okay? Mommy is always going to love you, and there is nothing you can do to change that. I promise you that."_

"I broke my promise, Hank."

He could see the tears in her eyes. "Erin, it's not your fault. You couldn't have known all of this was going to happen."

She wiped her eyes. "I know that, but I promised to love her forever, and I didn't follow through with that promise. I'm going to make it up to her though. I'm going to be apart of her life Voight. I have to be. I just need to talk to Jay."

Voight looked on proudly. He'd been waiting for this realization from her. "Do you need to borrow the car?"

"Can I?"

"Keys are on the hook by the door. Get out of here."

Erin beamed while heading for the door. Abruptly she paused. "Hank, thank you. For everything."

"Don't mention it, kid. Now go see her."

After Adam and Kim had left Jay took Olivia back to his room to change her into her pajamas for the night. He sat on the bed facing her and Olivia lied in the middle of the mattress.

"Mama mama mama." Olivia chanted over and over again.

"How about Dada? Can you say dada dada dada?"

"Mama"

"Dada" He tried again only to be met by a look of confusion from his daughter. He smiled sadly. "Yeah I figured."

Olivia began to squirm around and whine a bit trying to sit up on the bed. She continued her chanting, "Mama mama," only this time in a pouting voice.

"Yeah I miss her too, baby girl." He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead before doing their signature kissy noise on her nose. That little laugh could cheer him up instantly. It was impossible not to smile when his little girl was laughing so hard. She pulled up her little legs as she laughed, and Jay reached down and pinched the little baby fat rolls on the underside of her thighs. Olivia squealed and laughed even louder at his tickling.

After the tickling had ceased and the laughing stopped Olivia plopped her own hand into her mouth and began to suck on her fingers.

"You've got teeth now. You're gonna accidentally bite yourself, and then you're going to cry. Do you remember this morning?" He asked her as though she really understood.

She gargled and slurred noises with her hand still in her mouth almost like she was talking back to him. Jay stood up from the bed and Olivia turned her head to watch him. Her eyes asked him where the heck he was going without her.

Jay stood at the edge of the bed staring right back at her. "Come on." He stuck his arms out towards her a bit. "Lets go get you a baba, so you can go night-night."

She removed her fingers from her mouth but still just stared at him confusedly.

"Come on. Don't be lazy. Let's go." He called to her.

Trying to figure out what he wanted Olivia began to get irritated, and made fussy, crying noises. Finally she rolled onto her stomach and crawled towards him at the edge of the bed. Jay scooped her up and kissed her cheek. "There's daddy's girl. Good job, beautiful. Now lets go get a bottle for that Buddha belly of yours."

The second the timer on the microwave went off there was also a knock on the front door. Jay grabbed the bottle, checked the temperature, and handed it to the baby in his arms. Olivia immediately plopped the bottle into her own mouth and began to drink. He headed towards the door carrying the eating infant. "Two visits in one night? Daddy must really look pathetic moping around at work." He joked to Olivia.

When he opened the door he froze. Olivia on the other hand dropped her bottle to the ground and waved both arms around the way she always did when she was excited. She recognized her mommy right away.

Erin knelt down and picked up the fallen bottle. After standing back up she handed it back towards Olivia and Jay, then she smiled at him coyly. "Hi."


	9. Chapter 9

"Hi," Erin said softly with a hesitant smile.

"Hi, What are you doing here?" Jay didn't intend to sound so standoffish, but he was caught off guard. No part of him had expected Erin to be on the other side of that door, and he honestly didn't know how he felt about it.

"I uh. I wanted to see her, Jay. I know I ran away last time, but I'm her mom. I want to be apart of her life."

Jay had no idea what to think of her statement. The last few days it had been all he wanted. He wanted Olivia to know her mother, and to be apart of her life, but that didn't mean he didn't feel hesitant about Erin's sudden realization. Olivia had been through so much confusion in the last two weeks, and he didn't want his baby girl to go through it all again. He didn't want Erin to change her mind a few days from now and leave their little girl sad and confused all over again. He let out a deep breath before opening the door wider. "It's late for her. I was putting her to bed, but you can come in."

"Yeah I figured she'd be going to sleep soon. I just really needed to see her."

Olivia kept squirming around in Jay's arms. She wouldn't take the bottle back, she just wanted to go to Erin. She held her tiny arms out extended, and whined trying to get Erin's attention. "May I?" Erin nodded towards Olivia asking if she could take her.

"Okay. Sure" Jay nodded. "Did you want to rock her and give her her bottle? I was just about to do that. The daycare hates when I rock her to sleep at night because it makes her difficult to put down at naptime, but I think she deserves it right now. She's been going through a lot."

Erin nodded in agreement. She knew by 'a lot' he meant her leaving. "I'd love to rock her."

"Okay." He headed towards Olivia's nursery holding the bottle and Erin followed holding Olivia. She talked to her quietly. "Hi beautiful. Mommy's back now." She whispered.

After she sat in the rocking chair, the same one from her memory earlier that day, Jay handed her the bottle. He walked over to the dresser, opened the drawer and pulled out a burp cloth. "Just in case." He said handing it to her. Next he went to her crib and grabbed her fuzzy white blanket with little yellow ducks printed on it. He assisted Erin in wrapping her up in it.

"Do you mind if I go clean up the milk that spilled when she dropped the bottle?"

"No, go on ahead." Erin looked up from Liv to answer him.

"Are you sure?" He asked with concern lacing his tone. He had a reason to be worried after the last time he had left her alone with the baby.

"You're just going to be in the other room. I got this. I promise."

When Jay exited she stared back down at the eating little girl in her arms. With one hand she gently stroked Olivia's face while beginning to rock slowly in the chair. "Hi, baby girl. I know I've probably left you really confused lately, and I am so sorry. I can't even put into words how sorry I am for any pain I have made you and your daddy feel lately. Today I had a memory though. A few months back, when you were so tiny, even tinier then you are now I made you a promise. I told you that I would love you forever. I broke that promise though. I forgot to love you, sweet girl. I forgot how to." She began to choke up. "And I don't know how I can ever make it up to you, but I promise I'm going to spend every day trying. I'm not going to break this promise either. I'm going to be your mommy again, and I'm going to remember how to love you again, and how to take care of you again. I'm going to be the best damn mommy." She sniffled before wiping away a few tears with the back of her hand. "I guess I should start by not swearing in front of you anymore." She laughed quietly. Then she pressed her lips to Olivia's head in a gentle kiss.

She didn't know Jay had been listening the entire time. He had heard her begin to speak and thought she needed help, so he went back to the doorway. Then when he realized she was talking to the baby he stood by and listened. He could feel tears begin to from in his own eyes. Some of his fear of her leaving again was lifted. Of course a part of him would still be cautious, but he really did believe every word she had spoke to their daughter. It made him miss his wife even more though. Seeing her with their daughter made him miss the life he had just three weeks ago. When he realized she was finished talking he left to go clean the milk, and give her a few minutes of actual alone time with Livie.

Erin continued to rock back and forth as Olivia sucked on her bottle intently. Her eyes were growing heavier by the second. Erin could tell she wanted to fall asleep, but ever time she was almost there her emerald eye's shot open quickly. If Erin moved even in the slightest Olivia's eye popped open alert again. It was almost as though she was afraid to fall asleep out of fear she'd wake up and her mommy would be gone again. Olivia eventually couldn't fight it anymore, and succumbed to sleep. Erin rocked for a few more minutes until Jay reentered the room.

"She's asleep," Erin whispered with a small grin.

"Here I'll take her," Jay whispered back gently taking the baby into his arms. "Goodnight, baby girl." He placed a soft loving kiss on his daughter's head before delicately lowering her into the crib. Erin smiled at the sweet scene.

She led the way out of the door and Jay followed, closing the nursery room door all but a crack.

"Can we talk, Jay?" She asked nervously turning to face him.

"Yeah of course." He nodded towards the living room. They each took a seat on opposing ends of the sofa.

"I meant what I said earlier, Jay. I want to be apart of her life. I understand that you're nervous about letting me back in, and you have every right to be, but I'm not going to flake out this time. I'm not going to run again, Jay. I can promise you that."

Jay nodded taking in everything she had said. "Okay, so you want to be apart of her life again, but what does that mean? What exactly do you want, Erin?"

"I want to be her mommy again. The state of my memory won't change that, Jay. I'm her mom, and I intend on taking that job very seriously."

"Being a parent is the most important job in the world, Erin. Right now we are her entire world, and I won't lie I'm afraid to trust you with that responsibility. I don't know if you're ready."

"I understand." Her eyes began to tear up. "But I'm asking you for another chance. You saw the way she lit up when I got here. She needs me Jay. She needs a mommy, and I won't let her down. I wont let either of you down, so can I please come back here? I'll stay on the couch, or an air mattress, or wherever, but please let me get to know my daughter again."

Jay exhaled deeply. He wanted to make the right decision. He needed to make the right decision for his daughter, but it was incredibly difficult to think clearly. He just wanted to protect his little girl. Ultimately he couldn't say no to her though. He couldn't look at her with tears in her eyes, and refuse her the chance to get to know their daughter. He couldn't tell her no, because of the sliver of hope he had that her memory might still return, and he would get the love of his life back.

"Okay." He eventually nodded, and Erin let out a sigh of relief. "Just don't flake out again. She needs stability."

"I promise." She leaned in and hugged him excitement taking over. Jay grew stiff with the feel of her body wrapped around him. "Thank you." She whispered in his ear making him relax. Her hair smelled like her fruity shampoo he missed, and her body molded perfectly with his. God did he miss his wife. After a few seconds Erin pulled away, and Jay composed himself.

"I showed you were your pajamas are last time you were here if you wanna change."

She nodded taking off for the bedroom. She came out in sweats and an oversized t-shirt that actually belonged to Jay. Jay internally groaned. She looked so good in his shirt. It was always such a turn on. He went to the bedroom to change, and then returned with a pillow and blanket.

"Since you offered to sleep on the couch."

"Yeah. The couch is great. I'll be fine out there." Erin answered with a smile. Although apart of her was slightly taken back that he hadn't at least offered to let her sleep in the bed again. He really was wary of her this time.

"Well do you wanna watch TV? It's still pretty early."

"Sure."

They watched the Bulls play the Celtics for awhile before Erin fell asleep. She sprawled out on the couch once unconscious. Her cold toes she tucked under Jay's leg. That was a typical Erin Lindsay thing. Her toes were always freezing, and she'd always put them somewhere on Jay's legs for warmth. It felt like old times.

When he was finally ready for bed he shut off the television, then looked to her with a sigh. He couldn't leave her on the couch. "Erin." He shook her gently but she didn't wake. He gently slid his arms beneath her and carried her into the bedroom. He tucked her into bed delicately, and fought back the urge to kiss her good night. Then he fought back the urge to crawl in beside her and wrap his arms around her. "Goodnight, Erin… And baby, somehow if you can hear me in there, please just come back to me. I miss you much. I'm waiting for you, and I love you. I'll always love you." With that he left the bedroom, peaked into the nursery to check on Olivia, and then made himself as comfortable as possible on the couch for the night.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello! I haven't written an authors note in a few chapters, so I just wanted to thank everyone for all of your amazing reviews! To those of you that review every chapter you don't know how much I look forward to seeing the email with your penname pop up. They are my favorite things every. This chapter is going to be a little less sad then the past few. I hope you enjoy! :)**

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><p>Erin woke up to the sun just beginning to rise. She squinted her eyes open slowly prepared for another miserable day of moping around the house, until she realized she wasn't in her high school bedroom at Voight's anymore. She looked around for a second figuring out where she was. She was at the apartment she shared with Jay. How did she end up in the bed? She remembered falling asleep on the couch. She figured Jay must had moved her, but where was he then? Had he already gotten up?<p>

She peeled herself from the bed and headed down the hallway. Halfway there she spotted Jay asleep on the couch. His one arm hung over the edge, and he was a few inches to tall for the length of the sofa. She felt bad for kicking him out of his own bed, especially since he looked so uncomfortable. She would have been fine on the couch. Honestly she would have been okay with him sleeping beside her in the bed. She was serious about being Olivia's mom again, and part of her wanted to see if the three of them could be a family again. She didn't want to jump into anything obviously, but she was curious about what it would be like. They had been so happy once before, she couldn't help but wonder if somehow they could get that back.

She peeked her head into Olivia's room and noticed the baby just beginning to stir. She entered the room closing the door all but a crack to try and not wake Jay. "Good morning sunshine." She cooed from the side of the crib.

Olivia's eyes shot open and she was all smiles staring up at her mother. "Eeeee" She squealed excitedly as Erin bent to lift her up from the crib.

Erin chuckled at her excited noises. "Well aren't you a happy morning girl. I'll be honest Mommy is not usually a morning person. I'm grumpy until I get my first cup of coffee, but not today, not when I get to see you first thing." She kissed Liv's temple. "I was excited to wake up and get to spend more time with you, but first things first you diaper is sagging way low. I think you need changed."

She walked over to the changing table and lied Olivia down. "I don't smell anything so hopefully you're just wet. Bare with me baby, because I don't quite remember how to do this." She left one hand on Olivia's stomach to make sure she didn't roll off of the table as she bent down looking on the shelf for the essentials.

"Okay your daddy has two different sized diapers here. What one am I supposed to use?" She asked Olivia as if she would actually respond. To an extent the infant did, blabbering incoherent noises back. Erin chuckled. "Thank you sweet girl, but I don't quiet understand gibberish. Let me see what kind you are wearing right now." Erin unzipped the fleece footie pajamas and pulled them off of the baby. Then she matched the pattern printed on the diapers to decipher what one she needed.

After changing her into a fresh diaper she stared down at Olivia admiring her adorable chubby cheeked, two (almost three now) teethed grin. Her eyes traveled down to her daughter's plump round belly. Leaning forward Erin pressed her lips to Olivia's exposed stomach kissing her over and over again wildly. Olivia squawked and giggled excitedly. "Is mommy getting you?" Erin was beginning to really adore her title of 'mommy.' Olivia squealed and flapped her arms enthusiastically. "I'm gonna get your belly again. I'm gonna get that Buddha belly."

After getting her back into her pajamas Erin sat on the nursery floor and played with Olivia. Using the little ducky blanket they played peek-a-boo. Every time Erin would pull back the blanket, the apartment was filled with the composition of adorable squeals and giggles. Those precious noises were exactly what woke Jay.

Before even opening his eyes he smiled to himself hearing his daughter's laugh. He had completely forgotten that Erin was there. Some mornings Olivia would crack herself up babbling, so he automatically assumed that's what was happening, until he opened his eyes to find himself on the couch. When he sat up he instantly felt the pain in his neck and shoulders.

Following the melodious laughs he found himself standing in the doorway of the nursery, and for a split second all felt right in the world. He was staring at his girls happily playing. Of course that joy could only last for a moment before reality set in.

Erin looked over her shoulder sensing she was being watched. "Hey." She rasped meeting Jay's squinty tired eyes. She'd be lying if she said her eyes didn't stare at his shirtless, exposed torso a second too long. She had memories of seeing him shirtless before, but he looked even better now. Each one of his abs was perfectly defined, and sexy v-lines lead down to his pelvis, giving him the ability to make any girl swoon. He had to be in the best shape of his life which she admired since most men let themselves go after marriage and kids. She peeled her eyes away not wanting to get caught drooling, and returned her attention to Olivia.

"Tell daddy that we got your diaper all changed, and now we are playing."

"Wow diaper all changed?" He said with obvious surprise in is voice. With excitement over hearing Jay's voice, Olivia began her crawl towards her daddy. Jay scooped her up in his arms and kissed her cheek. "Good morning beautiful. Are you playing with mommy?"

"Mamamama" Olivia babbled. Jay grinned and kissed her again. He could kiss those chubby cheeks all day.

"You ready for breakfast, baby girl?" he asked his daughter before turning his attention to Erin. "I'm gonna go make her morning bottle."

"Will you teach me how?"

Jay was taken aback by the question, in the best way possible. She was really showing that she wanted to be apart of their daughter's life again, and it was obvious that she was trying. "Yeah lets go." He reached his free hand out to help pull her up from her sitting position on the floor, then let go of her hand once she was on her feet.

About two hours later Olivia had fallen asleep for her mid-morning nap on her blanket of toys on the living room floor. Erin collapsed back onto the couch. Her feet rested flat on the cushion with her knees bent giving Jay enough space to sit too. "It hasn't even been a whole day and I'm already tired. She's exhausting, amazing but exhausting."

Jay sat with his feet kicked up on the coffee table and his arms sprawled across the back of the couch. "Yeah she's a lot of work. She's worth it though."

"I wanna learn how to do everything, Jay. I'm sure it's easier with two people, so I want you to teach me everything I need to know to take care of her."

He nodded. He had no issues with teaching her. Allowing her to stay alone with Olivia again was an entirely different story though. It would take time, and lot's of it, before he would be comfortable doing that again. "Okay. Well you taught yourself diaper changing, and we just learned bottle making. This afternoon she needs to eat some solid food. That's not hard at all she likes to eat. A lot." He laughed. "She'll either eat jars of baby food, or she really likes avocado. No sweet potatoes though. She makes the funniest face when she tastes them. She hates it."

"I don't blame her. Sweet potatoes are disgusting."

"You two are crazy. Sweet potatoes are amazing!"

"You're outnumbered two-to-one, so you must be the crazy one."

"Fine by me, if it means I get to keep on eating and enjoying sweet potatoes I'm happy." He laughed.

"Okay, so what else can you show me how to do toady?" Erin asked eager to learn more.

"Well, she needs a bath tonight. Baths are touch and go. Sometimes she loves it, sometimes she hate it. It just depends on her mood. If she's in a good mood it's the most adorable thing you'll ever see. She's starting to become more aware now, so she'll smack at the water, and make it splash. Then she'll crack up at the splashing and at herself, because she's starting to understand that she's the one making the splash. It's really cute."

Erin grinned imagining it, until she watched Jay try and move his arm from the back of the couch causing him to grimace in pain. "Is that from sleeping here on the couch?" She asked him concerned.

"Huh?"

"Did it hurt your back sleeping on the couch? Is that why you just made that face when you tried to move?"

"Yeah. This couch isn't really made for anyone over six foot to sleep on."

"Jay, you could have slept in the bed. You can't be sore like this for work."

"I'm gonna re-set up the air mattress for me to sleep on later. It would have woken Liv last night. That's why I took the couch."

"Oh, okay." She didn't try to cover the disappointment in her voice because she hadn't expected it to be there. Why was she disappointed that Jay didn't want to sleep beside her in bed? Thankfully Jay didn't seem to pick up on it.

Olivia beginning to snore quietly distracted them both, making them turn to gaze at her. After a moment Erin turned back towards Jay chuckling. "Does our girl always snore?" _Our girl_. She wasn't sure where that came form. It felt strange, but right rolling off her lips. Once again Jay didn't seem to catch on.

"Oh yeah." Jay sniggered. "Just like her mom."

"I do not snore!" Erin whisper yelled back on the defensive.

"Erin." He contorted his face sassily at her. "You saw logs in your sleep."

"What? I have never heard that before. I don't snore." She sounded defensive but couldn't help the grin on her face.

Jay threw his hands up. "Okay, whatever you say. I'm just the guy that slept next to you for five years. What do I know?"

Erin rolled her eyes and shook her head still smiling though.

"The first week she came home from the hospital you were so scared to fall asleep. You thought she couldn't breath, but really she was just snoring. You made me call the doctor in the middle of the night and he told us she was fine, but you weren't fully convinced."

"Well, it was probably scary."

"The first night when we didn't know it was snoring, or if snoring was normal for newborns, it was scary. After that, you with no sleep and still messed up hormones was the only thing truly frightening." He chuckled.

"Hey!"

"No Erin you don't understand. You were weepy, and grumpy, and needy, and I was up all night with you, but I also had to go to work during the day. It was a rough first week."

"_Do you have to go? Please don't leave, Jay." Erin pouted. Olivia was asleep in the bassinet beside the bed. Erin lied beside him in bed fully awake like she had been most of the night. _

_Jay pulled her in against him and held her close. "It's Friday, after today I have the weekend off, and I'll be on baby duty all day Saturday so you can sleep if you want." He kissed her forehead. "But I can't stay home today. You know we need the money, especially with your new late night online shopping addiction."_

_Erin breathed out a faint laugh. "Buying stuff for her is fun, but I'm so tired Jay. It's easier when you are here too."_

"_I'll call and check on my girls whenever I can. I promise, and when she naps, you can nap too Er. Nothing is going to happen to her. It's just snoring, and you'll hear her cry when she wakes up." _

"_And what if I don't hear her cry?"_

"_Erin, you will, and besides I'm going to be calling all day long to check in."_

_She exhaled deeply. "Are you sure you have to go? It's just one day off of work, and beside I think she likes you better."_

"_Baby, she loves you. You know that." He rubbed her back. "You are doing an amazing job. You're a great mommy."_

Erin had been listening to the story with her eyes closed trying to recall the memory. Suddenly a small part of it appeared. "You didn't leave us home alone."

Shocked Jay didn't respond right away. It took him a minute to gather his thoughts. "No, I didn't. You were so exhausted I was afraid you'd have a meltdown or something if I left you alone."

"We went with you to the precinct, right?" She was unsure. That part was a bit blurry, but she knew Jay didn't leave them home.

Jay smiled wide. She remembered something. He was watching the gears turn in her mind as she recalled events from a few months back. A little burst of hope exploded inside of him; hope that he'd been desperately needing. "You came to the station, and within an hour you fell asleep at your desk. Nadia looked after Olivia while I went out on a call. After that first week you were fine though. You just needed time to adjust. Then you were practically kicking me out the door in the morning, so you could have mommy time with her."

Erin grinned imagining it. She knew it was probably accurate. After her short time spent with Olivia, she could definitely see herself kicking Jay out the door to have alone time with her.

"When I'd come home from work and ask what you guys did that day you always had the same sassy answer. What happens at…" Erin cut him off finishing the saying.

"Girls day, stays at girls day. Camille always used to tell Voight that when we'd do something without him and Justin." It made her think back to her conversation with Voight the other night. Hank was right; Camille would want her to be here with her daughter. She was sure of that now. And if she could be anywhere near as great of a mother to Olivia, as Camille was to her, Olivia would be just fine.


	11. Chapter 11

"What's going on in here?" Jay inquired walking into the bathroom sporting a pair of dark wash jeans, and a white t-shirt. He could hear Erin's laughs, Olivia's loud squeals, and the sound of splashing water.

Erin had been back home with them for almost four weeks. She could now do just about everything when it came to taking care of Olivia. She had also started work again at the precinct, and it was going well. They were falling into a daily routine, and were living like a family again, well to an extent. Jay still treated her like she was a glorified roommate. He still slept on the air mattress in Olivia's room, and didn't even bother trying to flirt with her. She wasn't sure why but it bothered her so much, but it was driving her crazy.

"Be careful don't slip!" Erin warned him as he entered the bathroom. Olivia was splashing like crazy in the bathtub and there was water everywhere. "Don't worry I'll clean up the water, but I just couldn't stop her it was too cute."

Jay grinned. "Don't worry about it. I wouldn't have stopped her either." He turned his attention back to Olivia as he squatted down next to the tub. "Are you having fun making a mess, silly girl?"

Olivia squawked in excitement splashing again in response. Erin had already been drenched in water, so she just laughed. "Oh really Liv?" Jay chuckled. His white shirt was now completely soaked and see through.

The sight of the soaking wet see through t-shirt on Jay's perfectly sculpted body made Erin gulp right away. Her eye dilated as she watched him begin to remove the wet fabric. She tried not to stare as he peeled the dripping shirt off of himself, but she couldn't look away. When he turned his back to her in order to toss the shirt onto the sink counter, she was only more turned on by his sexy shoulder and back muscles.

When Jay rotated back around, Erin forced herself to stop staring. He kneeled down in front of the tub beside her. "So, we don't work tomorrow. I was thinking we could take her to get her picture with Santa, and do some Christmas shopping. We have three weeks until Christmas and we work next weekend," Jay spoke.

Erin didn't need to be told twice that the holiday season was approaching. After spending Thanksgiving at Voight's, where she was slightly weirded out by how close Hank and Jay had become, she'd began her countdown until Christmas.

Typically, she wasn't a fan of the holidays. The season brought back to many bad memories. She remembered going to school after break, and feeling so left out when all of the kids would talk about what Santa brought them. Her mom never bothered with gifts, and Erin was left convinced for quite a few years that she was on the "naughty list." This year was different though. She was determined to make Christmas incredible for Olivia. She wanted her daughter to have everything she'd missed out on and then some.

"That sounds perfect. I'm going to dress her up in in that Christmas outfit I got the other day for her pictures."

Jay reached out and ran his hands through his daughter's short wet hair giving her a mohawk. "There now we'll just dye it red and green. Nice and festive." He teased.

Erin laughed for a second, before gasping with excitement. "Do you think she has enough hair for a little pony tail? We should pick up some of those tiny hair elastics tomorrow."

"Does this mean you're shooting down my baby Mohawk idea?"

"Shut up." She laughed swatting his shoulder. She felt a tiny jolt of electricity spread through her body when her hand made contact with his bare skin. "I Uh." She stuttered trying to compose herself. "I think her little fingers are pruning now. Time to get her out of the bath."

Later that afternoon, Erin leaned in closer to her daughter with a spoon full of baby squash "Last bite Liv. Open up." Right as the spoon was about to enter her mouth Olivia sneezed, blowing some of the food from her mouth, and from the spoon back onto Erin's face.

"Ohh eww. Eww." Erin complained heading away from the highchair, and towards the counter to get a paper towel, and clean her face.

Jay had been standing in the kitchen preparing dinner for himself and Erin, but was now to busy laughing to cook.

"It's not funny Jay! I can't see. it's in my eye!" Her reaction only made him laugh louder. When Erin went to grasp the paper towel, Jay stepped in her way, so she couldn't reach. "Jay, move…move…Please move." When he kept on laughing but didn't oblige, Erin wiped some of the food off of her face with her hand, and then rubbed it onto Jay's cheek.

Jay's jaw fell open and his laughing stopped. "Did you just?..."

It was Erin's turn to laugh now. "I think I did."

"Oh you're dead now." He reached and grabbed the baby food jar off of the counter. Before he could follow through with that statement Erin had turned on her heels, and took off running.

"No, Jay! This isn't fair! I can still only see out of one eye!" She screamed and giggled as he came up behind her. He grabbed her from behind and tickled her sides. From laughing so hard, Erin's legs gave out beneath her, and she fell to the ground. Jay went to the ground with her, where he moved so he was now straddling her waist holding her down.

"No. What are you doing?" Erin laughed seeing the devious smirk on his lips. Her eyes fell to the jar of baby squash he still had in his hands.

He grabbed her wrists in one hand and pinned them over her head. "Don't you want a baby food facial Erin?" He teased.

"Jay. Jay, stop." She tried to sound serious, but couldn't help the laughter in her voice. "I swear to god, Jay." She pleaded with him to stop as he lifted his finger covered in baby food.

"What' it worth to you if I stop?" He asked with an eyebrow raise.

"I'll do the dishes the rest of the week!" She offered.

"And?" He fished for more.

"I'll sleep on the air mattress! You can sleep in the bed!"

"And?"

"You want more?" She asked exasperated.

"I mean if you want that facial…" Erin cut him off.

"No! No! No! Laundry. I'll do your laundry!"

"Deal." He smiled reaching for a onsie that was sitting on the coffee table a few inches away. He used it clean his hands, since it was already dirty. While he did that, Erin noticed for the first time the position they were in. Her breath instantly hitched in her throat, and when Jay turned back to face her she was sure it was because he could hear her heart pounding against her ribcage.

Jay looked down at her face and chuckled. She still only had one eye open because the other was covered in squash. He let her wrist free, but she didn't move them. She was paralyzed in place. "Hey, Blackbeard, nice squash eye patch." He joked before bringing his hand to the side of her face, and rubbing the pad of his thumb along her eyelid, removing the food.

Erin blinked a few times adjusting to the stickiness from the food on her lid. "Thank you." It barely came out as a whisper. His hand still rested on the side of her face, and he was still straddling her, making her heartbeat at a more rapid pace then she thought possible.

Jay knew he should move. His mind told him to get up, but he couldn't get himself to listen. The last month he had constantly been chanting to himself, "She's not your wife, she's not your wife," but right now it seemed like she was. She looked like her, talked like her, felt like her, and in that moment he didn't want to believe that she wasn't his Erin.

"Dada!" Both of their heads snapped to the side to face their daughter. Olivia interrupted before either of them had a chance to make any rash decisions.

"Did she Just?.." Erin asked.

"I think so!" A ridiculously large smile came across Jay's face and he jumped to his feet. "What did you just say, baby girl?" He walked, or more so ran towards the highchair. "Can you say it again?"

"Dada! Dada!" Olivia chanted again.

Jay laughed, elatedly, rushing over to the highchair. He swiftly lifted her out of it. "Dada?" He prompted her to say it again.

"Dada dada da." She babbled.

"Yes! Dada." Jay cheered lifting her up over his head and then bringing her back down to kiss her cheeks.

Erin stood back watching how excited Jay was. In her recollection, she had never seen him so joyful. She leaned against the back of the couch watching them, when suddenly Jay's excitement became all too familiar. Maybe she had seen him this excited before.

She clenched her eyes shut trying to piece together fragmented memories. Then, like a brick wall, it hit her. She knew exactly when she had seen him this enthused.

_Erin opened her mouth prepared to speak, but immediately closed it. No words would come out. She'd been trying to talk to him for two days now, but she was never able to get it out. She had to do it though. He needed to know. "Now or never." She whispered to herself. "Jay, you wanna talk for a minute on the couch?"_

_Jay searched through the fridge for something to eat. They had just gotten home from a long day at the precinct. "Yeah, give me a sec. Do you care if I drink the last beer?"_

"_No, go ahead."_

_A few short minutes later, he joined her on the couch with a beer, and a half eaten turkey sandwich in hand. "So what's up? This is about my haircut isn't it? You hate it. I can tell." He teased. _

_Erin rolled her eyes, then ran a hand over his short hair. "Your hair looks fine. This has nothing to do with your hair."_

"_Alright then what's up?" He stuffed the last bite of sandwich into his mouth and pulled Erin's legs up onto his lap, and began to rub her feet. _

"_Well, maybe it can wait a minute if you are going to give me a foot rub."_

_Jay chuckled. "Come on, what did you wanna talk about? It's been a long day, I just fueled up, and now I wanna go blow off some steam with my wife." He nodded towards the bedroom with a sly grin._

"_Yeah that's kinda what we need to talk about."_

_Jay's brow furrowed hearing the concern in his wife's voice. "Our long day on the job, or our bedroom activities? I've been under the impression that said bedroom activities have been going pretty great for the last four years."_

"_Maybe we've been a little too great, Jay." She watched as his expression become even more confused, and that confusion seemed to directly correlate to adorableness, because she just wanted to lean and kiss his bewildered face. _

"_Help me out babe. I don't think I'm following."_

_Here was the moment of truth. It was time for the conversation she had desperately been avoiding. "I scheduled an appointment for Thursday to confirm, but I'm pretty sure. Jay, I'm pregnant." She couldn't look at his face. She was terrified at what his response would be. She knew her husband would be supportive, but this was not something they had planned. She wished she had been more responsible about taking her birth control. _

"_Pretty sure?"_

"_I took one of the at home tests, well two of them."_

_He laughed with a mixture of disbelief and excitement. "Where gonna have a baby?" _

_Erin looked up at him now completely puzzled herself. He was smiling, and smiling hugely at that. "Yeah." She nodded. _

"_Why didn't you tell me before? I could have been there when you took the test. This is amazing, Erin!"_

_Was this really happening? She wondered to herself. This was nowhere near the reaction she had anticipated. "You're excited about this?"_

"_What? Of course I am!" He reached his hand over to her stomach. "My baby is in there. Our baby. Of course I'm excited."_

"_Yeah?" Tears welled up in her eyes. She was terrified, but some of his excitement was beginning to rub off on her. She was going to be a mother. They were starting a family. _

"_Yeah." He nodded in agreement as he leaned in to capture her lips with his. He pulled away sensing her crying, and kissed the tears from her cheeks. "I'm gonna be a daddy, Er. You're making me a daddy! He stood up from the couch and pulled her up with him. "I can't wait. You are going to be the best mommy. I can already see it." He bent in front of her, and examined her stomach with his hands. _

"_You can't tell yet, Jay." She laughed while wiping away tears with the back of her hand. _

"_I know but our baby's in there." His eyes got huge. "Do you think the baby can hear me? Hello, baby. Hi, it's daddy. I love you." He spoke with his lips almost pressed to her stomach. _

_Erin laughed again. "I don't think it can hear yet."_

"_Just in case." He smiled up at her before standing up and pulling her into his arms. "I'm so excited, Erin. We're going to be amazing at this. We're gonna be mommy and daddy. Can you believe it?"_

With Olivia in his arms Jay turned and notice Erin perched with her eyes clamped shut. "Are you okay, Erin?" He walked to her concerned.

She opened her emerald orbs, with tears glazing them. "Yeah, I'm great. I just… I remember the last time I saw you so genially happy." His expression egged her to elaborate.

"It was the night I told you I was pregnant with her."

"That was one of the best nights of my life. It changed my life. She changed my life."

"Dada." Olivia blurted.

"Yeah beautiful, I'm talking about you." He kissed her temple. "I love you my little liv bug."


	12. Chapter 12

Jay held Olivia as the three of them stood in line to meet Santa. Erin had dressed her in red and white-striped leggings that had a little green ruffle at the ankles, and a onsie that had an adorable reindeer on it. She also wore a headband with a little matching red a white candy care striped bow attached. As they waited Olivia gurgled noises happily, completely alert and aware while inspecting her surroundings.

They were next in line after waiting for twenty-five minutes. The baby in front of them was screaming at the top of his little lungs the moment they handed him over to Santa.

"Do you think she'll cry?" Erin asked turning towards Jay. "I didn't even think about her getting upset when we hand her off to a giant, bearded stranger."

Jay chuckled. "I don't know. She's pretty happy right now. I think she'll be alright."

When it was their turn Jay handed her to the shopping center Santa, while Erin prepared her phone to take the photo.

With the most confused face possible Olivia stared up at Santa, then towards Erin and Jay, and then back and forth again. It was obvious she had no idea what was happening. When she made eye contact with her mom, Erin waved to her daughter. "Hi, baby. Smile." Instantly a huge open-mouthed grin came across Olivia's face, in response to her mom's voice. In that quick moment Erin snapped the most adorable picture.

As Jay walked back over to take Olivia, the baby grabbed a handful of Santa's beard and began to tug, and squawk happily. Thankfully, his beard happened to be real, so Olivia couldn't yank it off, and scar any of the children that were waiting in line for life.

The trio shopped for a while, and bought quite a few gifts before Liv began to get fussy and ready for a nap. On the ride home, Erin was back to driving of course, and Jay received a text message. "Hey, the gang is meeting at Molly's tonight at nine. I guess they are having some sort of Holiday party with live music and half off drink specials. Wanna go?"

"What about Livie?" Erin questioned keeping her eyes on the road.

"I can call Voight, and see if he'll watch her. I'm sure he wouldn't mind for just a couple hours."

"I don't know, Jay. We work next weekend, so I kinda wanna just stay home with her."

"She'll already be asleep at nine. Everyone misses hanging out with you outside of work. Please?"

With a sigh and a smile Erin agreed. She was excited to spend some time with Jay away from work, the apartment, and parental responsibilities.

After Erin put Liv down for a nap, she joined Jay in the living room. "Voight said bring her over whenever. Do you want to go get dinner first?" Jay asked.

Dinner? What did that mean? Was it like a date? Was she reading too much into it? Questions frantically spun through her mind. Finally she answered him. "Sure. We can leave at eight then."

"Okay cool. Purple Pig?" He asked knowing it was her favorite.

"Sounds good. I'm going to go shower."

Thirty minutes later Erin stood in her bath robs, staring into her closet panic stricken. "What the hell am I supposed to wear?" She muttered under her breath. She still didn't know what tonight was. Before he asked about dinner she assumed it was more of a friendly thing, now it seemed more like a date.

After one last check in the mirror, Erin strutted into the living room where Jay and Olivia where waiting for her. She knew she looked good. She wore a formfitting red dress that fell at mid thigh in length. It was paired with black heels that made her legs look skyscraper long. Her curled hair, and light makeup finished off the look.

As she walked she tried to bite back a smile while anticipating Jay's reaction to seeing her. When the clicking of Erin's heels stopped, Jay looked up from strapping Olivia into her car seat.

"You look nice." He said nonchalantly before finishing buckling in their daughter.

_Nice_. It felt like a punch in the stomach. He should have just patted her on the back and called her "bro," because she couldn't imagine it getting more platonic then "nice."

30 seconds ago she was fighting back a stupidly large grin, and now she was fighting against tears. She wished she didn't care so much, but she did. Was it too much to want him to acknowledge her, and recognize the fact that she put time and effort into looking good tonight?

"Ready to go?" Jay stood up carrying the car seat and tossed Erin's jacket to her from across the room.

Erin caught the jacked and sighed. Well, that confirms that this is definitely not a date. She thought to herself disappointedly.

_Nice. _Jay knew that seemed harsh. What was he supposed to say though? Of course she looked gorgeous. She always did, but he couldn't tell her that. It felt wrong. Admitting that he felt any attraction to her at all felt wrong. Emotionally she wasn't his wife, and he wasn't a cheater. He knew it seemed crazy, because technically she was Erin, but she wasn't _his Erin_. Falling for a different version of her, somehow felt like cheating.

After dropping Liv off to Voight they headed to The Purple Pig, and to say dinner started out awkward would be an understatement. Erin didn't even want to make eye contact with Jay. She was embarrassed, and pissed off. She felt incredibly uncomfortable in a dress and wished she had worn something else; anything else, because now she felt like her look screamed desperate.

Jay made it nearly impossible for her to stay upset with him though. One corny joke about a menu item and things seemingly went back to normal. He could charm her way to easily. By the time they left the restaurant for Molly's, Erin had moved on from the whole dress incident.

They walked huddled together to the bar. They had to park a block away, and the frigid air was painfully cold. Erin's exposed legs were freezing, and to makes matters worse the sidewalk was frozen over in spots. She almost slipped at one point, but thankfully Jay was close by to catch her, and send a burst of electricity through her body at the same time. His hand on her waist instantly warmed her up.

They were the last of their crew to arrive to Molly's. As Erin took her coat off Adam let out a whistle making Erin blush.

"Oh, that was for my man Halstead, but you look nice too." Adam joked, and Jay smoothed the front of his black button down while puffing out his chest.

"Shut up." Burgess swatted her boyfriend's arm. "You look hot Erin."

"Thank you." At least someone noticed. She thought to herself, while staring at Jay out of the corner of her eyes.

They took the last two seats available at the table, and it didn't take long for them to notice the group was acting strange. Erin knew she couldn't remember the last five years, but even five years ago the group never behaved so oddly.

She watched them while still trying to engage in conversation to avoid seeming rude. Finally, she noticed Atwatter take a quick glance above her head. Jay must have noticed too, because they both looked up at the same time.

Erin sighed with a smile and rolled her eyes. Mistletoe. The guys had hung mistletoe above the only two open seats knowing Jay and Erin would be the ones to occupy them. Her cheeks turned a light shade of pink. She peered over to Jay expecting him to have a similar lighthearted reaction. Instead, the only similarity they shared was the fact that his face had turned slightly red too. His was from rage though.

The table had yet to notice Jay's anger, and were all laughing. Adam even encouraged them to kiss, beginning a chant like a middle school boy. Before anyone knew what hit them, Jay reached up and tore the mistletoe down, chucking it across the table at Ruzek. He knew Adam had to be the culprit. Adam's hands fumbled to catch it, but instead the plat hit him square in the chest, not that it hurt or anything. It had caught him off guard though.

"What the hell man?" Ruzek questioned his friend. "It was just a joke."

"Well it was a fucking stupid one." Jay yelled back at him. When Jay stood up the stool he had been sitting on fell to the ground with a loud clatter, and everyone in the bar turned to face their table. "I need some air." He muttered rushing for the exit.

Erin sat paralyzed in shock. What the hell had just happened? After the initial shock quickly wore off, her cheeks turned an even darker shade of red. She was sure she had never been so embarrassed in her entire life. Not only was everyone at the table looking at her, but so was everyone in the bar that knew Jay was her husband.

Humiliated, she stood up from the table, and picked up the stool that Jay had let fall to the ground. "I'm uh… I'm gonna use the restroom." Her voice cracked as she spoke meekly. She then escaped through the crowed and to the ladies room, locking the door behind her.

"Way to go man." Atwatter looked over at Ruzek.

"Yeah that went well." Antonio chimed in.

"What was that all about?" Gabby Dawson walked over to her brother's table, with her boyfriend Matt Casey in tow.

"I don't know what the hell happened. I thought they'd think it was funny. A few months ago they would have laughed." Ruzek tried to defend himself, while still in shock.

"Well apparently a lot has changed. More then we realized." Kim spoke rubbing her boyfriends bicep. She knew he didn't mean any harm. "Although, I did try to tell you it was a bad idea."

"Don't worry I'll listen next time." He spoke before leaning in to kiss her forehead.

Outside Jay stomped down the sidewalk. He tore the wedding ring from his finger and moved like he was going to throw it, but of course didn't open his fist to let it go. He knew he overreacted, but couldn't his friends tell he had been in hell for the last month? He had to live with this gorgeous woman that seemed exactly like his wife, yet he couldn't be with her, or touch her, or kiss her, and tonight it felt like the guys were making fun of him for it. Of course they had no way of knowing what he had been going through. He never talked to any of them about it, and at work he and Erin acted completely normal. PDA had never been allowed in the unit, so really the guys hadn't had the chance to notice that anything was wrong. He continued his walk around the block, still needing time to himself to cool off.

Back in the bathroom of Molly's, Erin stared up at the ceiling blinking excessively. She was trying to stop any tears from coming, so she wouldn't mess up her makeup; the same makeup that she had ironically put on for him, and he didn't even seem to give a shit about. The mere thought of having to kiss her sent him on an angry rampage, and she was mortified, and humiliated. She wished she could stay in the bathroom until the bar cleared out so she wouldn't have to see anyone. Then she could just go to work Monday morning, and pretend like nothing happened. Instead, she pulled herself together and exited the restroom.

She swiftly walked to the front entrance and peaked outside. Jay wasn't anywhere insight. With an exasperated sigh, she headed back to her unit's table. Great, now a group of firefighters had gathered at the table. Including Jay's ex girlfriend. Tonight couldn't possible get any more embarrassing, Erin thought as she approached the table. "Can someone take me to Voight's? He convinced me to come tonight and then he took off in the first five minutes. I just want to spend my weekend off with my daughter."

"Yeah. I'll take you." Kim piped up. She grabbed Adam's keys, and he looked at her inquiringly. "Hey, this is your mess, I'm using your gas." She whispered to him, before giving him a quick kiss on the temple, and following Erin out of the bar.

The first few minutes of the drive were silent. Kim didn't know what to say, and Erin didn't feel like talking. She was still too embarrassed. Finally, at a red light, Kim decided to bite the bullet. "Adam didn't mean to upset anyone. It was supposed to be a joke. He really is sorry."

Erin nodded. "I know. I'm not mad at him. Jay, on the other hand, I'm pissed at."

"I don't blame you. Those intelligence men, they'll drive you crazy."

"So, you and Ruzek? How long?"

"Longer then you and Halstead, actually. We're just taking things slower." Kim laughed, and Erin slightly did too. "We actually used to talk about those two idiots all of the time. This is kind of awkward to say, since you don't remember, but we were best friends; are best friends. I still consider you to be my best friend. I was actually your maid of honor in your wedding, and I'm Olivia's godmother."

Erin smiled sadly at her, feeling badly about not remembering.

"Jay's not a jack ass, Erin. I'm sure you already know that. He's just confused. At least under all that misguided anger tonight, he seemed lost and confused."

"I know that. He's amazing. I see it every time he's with Olivia, and when I first woke up and he'd tell me stories about us I could see it. He just misses who I used to be, and as much as I want to fix it for him I can't." She sighed as they pulled into Voight's driveway.

"Erin, if you ever need to talk more I'm here alright?"

Erin nodded with a small grin. "Alright. If Jay comes back to the bar feel free to give him a hard time for me, and then send him here."

"Okay. I can do that. Tell Livie that Aunt Kim says hi."

"Okay I will. Thanks for the ride."

"You're welcome."

The front door to Voight was unlocked, and Erin slipped inside quietly assuming her daughter was already asleep. When she made it to the living room Olivia sat on the ground staring up at the Christmas tree in aw. When Voight noticed Erin, he snuck over to her quietly, being careful not to distract Olivia.

"She's been sitting like that for five minutes. She'll reach for a ornament almost touch it, then get scared a pull away."

Erin smiled at how amazingly adorable her little girl was.

"I wasn't expecting you so early. I thought the party didn't even start until nine?"

"Yeah, well tonight didn't exactly go as planned. Burgess dropped me off. I don't know when Jay will be here." Olivia heard Erin's whispering voice and turned to see her. She crawled towards her babbling excitedly. "Hi, baby girl." Erin scooped her up in her arms.

"I tried to put her down for the night, but she screamed her head off. I figured I'd just let her tire herself out."

"You didn't want to go night-night like a good girl for grandpa?" Erin asked the baby in her arms. "It is way past your bed time you little stinker." She turned her attention back to Hank. "I'm going to take her upstairs and put her to sleep."

Hank walked over to the couch and brought her back Liv's bottle and her blanket. "Here." He handed them to her.

"Thank you."

"Erin." Erin froze and turned to face her father figure from the bottom of the stairs. "Are you alright?"

She nodded sadly in response. "I'll be fine."

Jay walked back into the bar after Burgess and Erin had already left. He knew he overreacted, but he didn't think he needed to be apologizing. If anyone should apologize he thought it should be Ruzek for creating this whole mistletoe mess. When he got to the table he noticed Erin was gone. "Where'd Erin go?"

"She left not long after you. Burgess took her to Voight's. She was pretty pissed at you." Antonio answered him.

"At me?" Jay pointed to himself in disbelief.

"Yeah you." Antonio responded. Jay glared at Adam blaming him.

"Hey, man. I really am sorry." Adam threw his hands up in surrender. "I didn't expect it to go down like that. It was supposed to be funny."

Jay sighed and took a seat. "I know. Things between Erin and I are just complicated. You and I are cool though. Water under the bridge." Jay had a quick temper, but he was also just as quick to forgive. He knew his friend was only joking around. "But she was mad at me? Did she say anything about why? I thought she'd be mad at you, not me." Jay pointed to Ruzek.

All the men shrugged completely clueless. "She said something about not even wanting to come tonight. That's about it." Adam told him.

"Huh." Jay was completely baffled. He thought he had done the right thing in that situation. Maybe he'd gone about it a bit over aggressively, but he didn't kiss her and he dismissed the idea. Isn't that what she wanted? She couldn't have actually wanted to kiss right there in Molly's right? The whole situation confused him. "I better head over to Voight's and figure out what's going on." He informed the group, and stood from the table to leave.

Back at Voight's, Erin was sitting in her high school bedroom. Olivia had just fallen asleep in her arms. She laid the sleeping baby down one the mattress, and then lay on her side facing her. Voight had a portable crib set up, but Erin just wanted to be close to her daughter. She lay there thinking with her hand rested on Olivia's little round belly, when she heard a light knocking on the door. She looked over her shoulder, and spotted Jay standing in the doorway with his hands shoved in his pockets.

"Hi." He spoke first.

"Hey." She turned back to face their sleeping infant.

"I'm sorry." He spoke meekly, and Erin could immediately tell he had no idea what he was apologizing for.

She nodded her head. "For what?"

Jay bit the inside of his cheek and walked around to the other side of the bed so he could see her face. She didn't look up at him though. Her sights were focused on Olivia. Jay took a seat on the edge of the bed, and played with his baby girl's fingers for a second. "For leaving like that. I'm sorry I took off."

"I didn't even want to go tonight." She finally looked back up at him. "I just wanted to stay home with our daughter, but you convinced me to go, and then you stormed off in the first five minutes."

Jay nodded while hearing her out. "I know. I'm sorry. You're right."

Erin sighed out a small laugh. It was so much more then just the fact that he had left the bar, but if he didn't realize that, she wasn't going to tell him. She had put herself out there way to many times today, only to get shot down.

After a few seconds of silence Jay could sense she was still mad, so he said that only thing that came to mind. "Kim was right. You look really beautiful tonight. That dress has always been one of my favorites on you."

She met his eyes to see if he was just saying that because he knew she was still mad. He was, but she could also see it was more then that. He meant it. "Thank you." She whispered back to him.

They sat in silence, both staring at their daughter for a few more minutes. "Are you ready to go home?" Jay finally asked. Erin nodded, they went downstairs and told Hank bye, and then the three of them headed home. When they got to the apartment, both headed to their respective rooms as though nothing had changed since that morning, but in actuality a lot had changed.


	13. Chapter 13

**Merry Christmas Eve for all of you celebrating! I wanted to get this update out for you guys before Christmas, since it is Christmas themed. I hope you all will enjoy it. Fair warning it is cuteness overload with little miss Olivia. Also, when you're done reading, swing by and check out the fic Love Lives On by my new friend I'mjustwriting. She's brilliant, her writing is incredible, so go see for yourself. :)**

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><p>Jay and Erin's exhaustingly busy work schedules left them scrambling to finish their last minute Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. Erin was checking out at the Children's Place, while Jay waited just outside in the shopping center. It was to busy and difficult to maneuver Olivia's stroller around inside the store.<p>

"Jay Halstead, is that you?" Jay turned hearing old familiar voice, one that he hadn't heard in years.

"Holly? What are you doing in Chicago?" He asked as the petite blonde woman walked over and wrapped her package filled arms around him in a hug.

"I'm home for Christmas for the next few weeks. I'm just trying to get some last minute shopping done. How have you been? Are you still a cop for the CPD?"

"Detective, actually."

"Wow. You've come a long way mister, or should I say, Detective, Halstead. "

"Yeah how about you? Still doing the whole lawyer thing?"

Holly smiled. "Yup. I'm the district attorney in Houston now." Holly and Jay had dated for a few months when he first got home from his tour in Iraq. She had helped him deal with his PTSD, and transitioning back into society. They ended up breaking up after a few months, when she took a job offer at a law firm down in Houston.

"Looks like we've both come a long way over the years."

Just then Olivia began to babble from the stroller. "Dada dada mama mama."

"Oh my gosh I didn't even notice the stroller. Is she yours?" The woman asked peeking down at Olivia.

Jay smiled proudly. "Yup. This is my girl, Olivia."

"Aww she's precious, Jay."

They were standing side-by-side peering down at Olivia in the stroller, when Erin exited the store. She watched them for a minute; it made Erin's stomach churn. Jay wasn't necessarily flirting, but he was being too friendly for Erin's liking. When she saw the woman reach out and softly stroke the side of Olivia's face, Erin lost her cool. Flirting with Jay was one thing, but touching her kid was unacceptable.

"They had the most adorable little hair bows on sale by the check out, so I got a package to put in Liv's stocking." Erin walked up to Jay completely ignoring the girl standing with him. She had a large fake smile plastered on her face.

"Mama." Olivia cheered from the stroller and Erin turned to face her. As she did, she pretended like she was just noticing Holly for the first time. "Oh my gosh I didn't even see you there. Don't be rude babe." She laid her hand on Jays arm. "Introduce me to your friend."

_Babe_? Jay was instantly thrown off by Erin's word choice. She didn't call him babe. He stared at her awkwardly for a moment before stuttering to respond. "This is Holly. My uh…"

"An old friend." Holly cut him off. "Jay and I go way back." She extended her hand to shake Erin's. "And you must be…"

"Erin, Jay's wife, and this adorable little girl's mommy." She smiled looking down at her daughter.

"Well nice to meet you Erin. I should probably get going. I have lots of shopping to finish up. It was nice seeing you Jay." She smiled with a nod and walked away.

Once she was gone Jay looked over at Erin with obvious confusion in his expressions. "What was that?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Erin attempted to play it cool.

Jay grinned. "You were totally jealous."

"What? Why would I be jealous? Talk to whomever you want. I just don't appreciate you letting random women touch my daughter's face. Especially, not at the mall during cold and flu season."

Jay shook his head still grinning. "You forget that I know you. I know your little quirks, Erin Lindsay, and just now, you were so jealous, _Babe_." He exaggerated the word teasing her.

"Shut up. An old friend though, Jay, really? Did she think I was stupid? Maybe an old friend that you've seen naked. Whatever, Let's get out of here before I spend all of our savings on our daughters first Christmas."

Jay smirked to himself as the exited the mall. Seeing Erin Jealous was entertaining, especially since she could never admit that she was.

"Okay here is the plan; are you ready?" Erin asked Jay as they entered the apartment arms full of shopping bags, and of course Olivia.

Jay sat Olivia's car seat down and stood at attention. "Ma'am yes ma'am" He joked.

Erin rolled her eyes chuckling at him. "Okay Livie goes on the blanket with her toys. I'll look after her while I make the cookies to take to Voight's tomorrow night. You, go in the bedroom and wrap gifts. Got it?"

"Okay I think I got it. I go on the pink blanket with my toys, you're gonna wrap gifts, and Liv's going to make cookies. Am I right? Something sounds off there." He feigned bewilderment, rubbing his chin as though he was pondering it over.

"Shut up and go wrap. At this rate, you're not getting any cookies, and Santa's putting you on the naughty list."

"Well, he can put my name right next to yours then." He teasingly yelled over his shoulder as he headed for the bedroom to begin the gift-wrapping.

Erin stripped Olivia down to her diaper and then sat her in her highchair, before calling Jay to the living room. "Jay, come here, I'm about to give our daughter her first sugar high!" She called to him.

"Just call me wrap-master from now on. I finished all of the gifts." He said proudly as she overdramatically strutted out of the bedroom.

"Jay, I lost my memory, not my sanity, and losing my sanity is what it would take for me to _ever_ call you 'wrap-master." She used air quotes around the nickname.

"Fine. You're no fun." He playfully pouted.

"Okay, so I don't think she'll be able to eat the actual cookie yet, but I'm going to give her one of these frosted sugar cookies, and I bet she'll eat the frosting."

Erin sat the round cookie on the tray of the highchair, and Olivia's look said it all. Her expression read 'What the hell is this, and where are my Gerber baby puffs?'

Erin and Jay both snickered at her baffled expression. Erin then stepped forward and scooped some of the frosting off of the cookie and onto her finger. "Here, you eat it sweet girl." She held her icing-covered finger towards Olivia. The baby's stared at the finger, then up to her moms face, and then over to her dad. She was obviously completely confounded.

Erin stuck the frosting covered finger in her own mouth and ate it. "See mommy eat it." And then she scooped another pile of frosting up. "Daddy eat it," She stuck her finger out towards Jay. They were both so focused on the baby that they didn't even think twice about what was happening, until Jay was actually sucking the green colored frosting off of Erin's finger.

After realizing what they had just done, Jay laughed nervously, and Erin looked down at the ground for a moment blushing. Seconds later, she laughed along with him.

"Okay Livie your turn. You eat it." Jay finally tried to end the awkward tension. He reached for her tiny hand and guided it towards the cookie. Tentatively, Olivia touched it. She quickly pulled her hand back and examined the green frosting she now had on her fingers and palm. Her tiny little eyebrows pulled in, as she tried to decide what she should do next.

"Come on. Eat it." Erin encouraged her.

Finally, Olivia plopped her fingers in her mouth, and her eyes grew wide and lit up with excitement. Both her parents chuckled at her reaction. She sucked on her hand until she realized there was no more frosting, then she went for it. She leaned down to the tray, with her mouth wide open, and stuck her face right onto the round sugar cookie. Giggling hysterically, she lifted her head up to reveal a ring of brightly colored icing around her lips. With enthusiasm she began to smack at the cookie making it fall apart, and stick to her palm in the process. Then she would attempt to lick all of the food from her hand. By the time she was through, her entire chest, and around her mouth were covered in frosting and broken pieces of smashed cookie, making her require a bath.

After her bath Olivia was ready for bed. With the baby now asleep, Erin and Jay organized the presents under the tree, and hung her little stocking that said "Baby's first Christmas" across the front of it. Erin ended up falling asleep on the couch while they watched It's a Wonderful Life on television. Jay once again found himself carrying Erin to bed.

Christmas morning Jay snuck into their bedroom, where Erin was fast asleep, with Olivia awake in his arms. Olivia wore pink fleece pajamas with little red and white Christmas trees all over them, and an itty-bitty pink sparkly Santa hat that Erin had bought her. Jay wore a Santa hat of his own. "Say wake up! Merry Christmas mama!" He told Liv as he sat her on the bed beside Erin.

Olivia crawled on top of her mommy, and then let out a string of slurs, ending her incomprehensible sentence with the word "Mama."

Erin let out a groan as she woke and stretched. She was not a morning person, but she smiled, and began to chuckle when she noticed Liv in the adorable little Santa hat. "Good morning baby. Merry Christmas." She lifted her up and kissed her chubby cheeks. "Aren't you just the cutest in your little hat, baby?"

"Merry Christmas." Jay spoke looking down on her from beside the bed.

With sleepy half cleft eyes, and an extra raspy morning voice, Erin returned the greeting. "Merry Christmas, Jay…Nice hat." She laughed.

"Aren't you going to tell me that I'm the cutest in my little hat too?" He joked.

"Adorable." She played along.

"Thank you. What do you say we go see if the real Santa came?" He scooped Olivia off of her place sitting on Erin's stomach.

Five minutes later Erin walked into the living room yawning. Her hair was a mess, she was in Jays oversized t-shirt, and a pair of short pajama shorts, and Jay couldn't help but smile to himself. This was exactly how he remembered seeing his wife enter the kitchen for coffee every morning. "I need coffee, and then presents." She yawned out as she passed Jay and Olivia on the couch, heading for the coffeepot.

With a little bit of caffeine in her system, Erin was excited and ready to begin. They bought far to many gifts for Olivia to keep interested the entire time, so they purposely began with the toys, especially the one's that lit up or made noise, which they knew she would be most excited about.

Jay assisted her in unwrapping the first gift, while Erin took pictures. He stuck the bow to her pajamas when she tore it off the package. Olivia then reached for it, and tried to eat it. "No, no you can't eat that silly girl." Jay laughed taking the bow from her, and then stuck it to her back so she couldn't reach it.

The first gift ended up being Olivia's favorite. They had bought her so many more fun and interesting toys, but Olivia was totally captivated by a little doll with blinking lights that hummed the tune of Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star. When the living room was covered in wrapping paper and all of the gifts were open, Olivia sat playing with some of the discarded paper. Like most kids, she was much more interested in the boxes and the paper, then the actual toys. Erin accidentally nudged Olivia's new favorite doll, and it began to play its music.

Wide-eyed Olivia's head snapped up in response. The ten month old leaned forward and set her hands on the ground, and Erin noticed her attempting to rise to her feet.

"Jay, Jay." She spoke urgently, yet cautiously trying not to distract Olivia. Jay looked up from the toy he was trying to put together, and he too noticed Olivia trying to stand. He quickly fumbled for his phone and turned it to video record his daughter. Olivia made it up to her feet, and took two wobbly steps before falling to her butt, and crawling the rest of the way to the doll.

Jay and Erin couldn't have been more excited though. They cheered and laughed, and Olivia giggled and smiled with them, although she had absolutely no idea what the fuss was all about. All in all it was a pretty perfect Christmas morning.

A few hours later Erin went to her room to shower, and get ready to leave for Voight's. She only had one complaint about her morning. Taking a seat on the edge of the bed she leaned down and pulled out the gift she had gotten for Jay. She hadn't put it under the tree, and now she was thankful she changed her mind last minute and didn't. Jay hadn't gotten her anything. She knew she shouldn't have expected a present. They'd been so busy, and things had been so complicated lately, but she couldn't help but be disappointed.

She ran her fingers over the neatly wrapped package. It wasn't anything expensive, or that special. It was just a coffee mug of Olivia's picture with Santa printed on it. On the back it said 'Merry Christmas Daddy.' She just wished Jay had put some thought into getting her something, the same way she had for him. With a sigh, she slid the gift back under the bed, and headed to get ready for the rest of the day.

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><p><strong>I feel the need to add in another AN here at the end of the chapter. I don't want you all to think I'm trying to make Jay out to be the bad guy. I LOVE Jay. He's my favorite character on the show. I just think that situation would be confusing for the both of them. Don't worry Erin will get her turn to look like the <strong>**jackass too. I promise. Jay's not trying to hurt her either, he just doesn't know how to behave around her anymore. I hope I'm making that clear enough. Anyways thanks for reading. :) **


	14. Chapter 14

**I promised more of Jay's perspective on the situation, so here it is. Merry Christmas!**

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><p>"<em>Happy… Birthday… Er." Jay panted out causing Erin to let out an uncharacteristic giggle. She moved so her naked body now lay across his chest. She traced over his jaw for a few minutes, while he drew patterns on her arms. <em>

"_Dinner was nice, but I think I liked the birthday sex better." She stated said with a grin. _

_Jay laughed. "I'd hope so. Although, those reservations were not easy to get, let me tell you."_

"_What'd you have to do? Kill a man?"_

"_I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you, and if I killed you, you'd never get to open your present." _

_Erin pulled up to look at him. "You got me a present?"_

"_Are you kidding me? Of course I got my girl a birthday present." He stood up from the bed and slipped his boxers on. "Let me go grab it."_

_Erin made a pouty face. "Why'd you have to go and put those on? I was enjoying the view."_

"_I'm sure you were." He laughed. "I'll be right back." _

_With Jay gone, Erin reached over the side of the bed and grabbed the blue button down Jay had discarded earlier, and put it on. A few minutes later, Jay reentered to the bedroom with a small, sleek black bag, with white tissue paper decoratively hanging out of the top. He took a seat against the headboard, and Erin scooted in between his legs, resting her back to his chest. _

"_I love you. Happy Birthday, baby." Jay whispered into her ear while handing her the bag. He wrapped his arms around her middle as she reached inside. _

_Erin felt around before pulling out a small velvet black box. Her breath immediately hitched in her throat. Her palms grew instantly sweaty. She wasn't ready for this. They'd only been together just over a year. With a deep breath she opened the box to reveal… a pair of earrings. _

_As she exhaled her sigh of relief, she could hear Jay chuckle behind her. He knew he had tricked her, and he did it on purpose. _

"_You're an ass." _

"_What you don't like them?"_

"_You know what you did…But they're gorgeous." It was a set of blue sapphire earrings, Erin's birthstone, and they were absolutely stunning. She turned her head to look at him. "It's too much Jay. They are beautiful, but you shouldn't have spent so much on me." She whispered. _

"_Baby, I love you, and I would have spent twice as much if I could afford it."_

_Erin felt tears pool in her eyes. Jay had a way of making her feel more special, more beautiful, and more worthy then she ever had before. _

"_They're perfect, Jay. I love you." She barely got the words out before she met his lips in a slow loving kiss._

It was New Years Eve. Jay and Erin were going to the huge celebration thrown at Molly's every year. Olinsky's daughter, Lexi, was set to come over and watch Olivia at the apartment.

Erin was out in the living room with Liv, and Jay was in the bedroom changing clothes for the party. He was rummaging through his sock drawer, searching for his black dress socks, when his hand hit a small box he had hidden inside. He peaked up at the door to make sure it was locked, before pulling out the small velvety box and opening it.

Nestled inside was a gorgeous anniversary band that He had originally gotten Erin for Christmas. On one side was a small emerald, his birthstone. On the other side was a small blue sapphire stone, Erin's birthstone. In the middle cushioned a slightly larger amethyst stone, which was Olivia's birthstone.

He took a seat on the edge of the bed staring down into the box. He ran a finger over the jagged edges of the stones in the ring.

He'd ordered it just two days before his life had fallen apart. He had been so excited to give it to her. It was perfect. It was meant to commemorate their year together, their first year of parenthood, and he couldn't wait to see the look on her face when he presented it to her on Christmas morning.

Then he got that phone call from Voight, and everything changed.

Three weeks before Christmas, when the jeweler called to say the ring was ready, he felt like his heart had been torn out and stomped on. He had put so much thought into this gift, and now she'd never be able to really appreciate it. That also happened to be the same day the whole mistletoe incident took place at Molly's.

He'd avoided looking at the ring since the day he picked it up. Now he understood why. It hurt. It hurt so damn much. He missed _her_ so damn much.

That's why he had to distance himself so much from this version of Erin lately. She made him miss his wife more. Slowly he had begun to realize that him shutting her out had been hurting her, but he didn't know what else to do. She made him miss his Erin. She made him desperately crave their corny inside jokes, her obnoxious singing in the shower, her touch, her taste, but most of all her love.

He missed the way his wife knew him, and understood him better then anyone ever would, better then he even knew himself. He missed being read like an open book, and not being able to hide anything even if he tried. He missed saying everything he was thinking without ever opening his mouth and uttering a word. All it took was a look and she knew.

His Erin would have realized long ago how lost he was; how badly he was hurting. She would have made him talk to her, even if he fought like hell against it. She would have held him and ran her fingers through his hair, while he willingly poured out the contents of his soul. She would have kissed his cheek, and batter her butterfly lashes against his skin, while her signature rasp told him everything was all right, and that things would get better. He would have believed her too, because everything always got better when she was there with him, when she had his back, and covered his six. And god, did he miss her.

He was pulled from his thoughts by a light rapping on the door. "Yeah, just give me one sec." With one last intent look at the ring, and one last sharp pang to the heart, he hid the box back in the drawer, and grabbed the pair of black dress socks he had originally been looking for.

"Liv clunked out. She's in her crib now all ready for Lexi."

"Great." He took a seat at the edge of the bed to put on his socks.

"Black on Black. Don't you look nice, Johnny Cash." She complimented him as she breached the doorway.

"Thanks." He looked up and her and attempted to give a warm grin.

"I'm still deciding on what dress to throw on. Any suggestions?"

"What ones are you deciding between?"

Erin reached in and pulled out two different little black dresses. "I remembered I have some gorgeous sapphire earrings, so I think I'm going to wear them with my hair up. What dress?"

Jay gulped at the mention of the earrings he had gotten her for her birthday so long ago. The same earrings that would have went perfectly with the ring. "The blue sapphire earrings?" He quizzed her.

She smiled sheepishly. "Yeah. The one's you got me for my birthday right?"

Jay nodded with a smile. He loved hearing she had another memory. "Yeah let me see the two dress options again."

Erin held them up, and Jay studied them. "Honest opinion, you wont get mad?" He asked.

Erin smiled and gave him a nod. "Honest opinion."

"The one the left always makes your ass look incredible." He smirked as he stood up from the bed to exit the room.

"One on the left it is." She yelled after him as he walked away down the hall. "Incredible ass it is." She whispered to herself before biting her bottom lip to hold back a grin.

Jay stood in the kitchen as Erin gave Lexi the run down for third time in the last ten minutes. He was overprotective too, but how much information did Lexi really need when Liv would be asleep the entire time? He was sure the poor girl would have the emergency contact list memorized before they even left the apartment. It was kind of sweet in a way though. He was glad Olivia had gotten her mommy back.

New year, fresh start. He told himself when Erin was finally ready to leave. He was going to try tonight. He was going to be happy tonight. That's what Erin would want. That's what _his_ _Erin_ would want.

After getting his own coat on, he assisted Erin with hers, and they left for the party.

They arrived shorty after nine and the bar was already packed. Jay grabbed Erin's hand to help lead her to the bar. They found an open spot standing beside Kelly Severide.

"Hey man how's it going?" Jay greeted the firefighter. Somewhere along the line, Jay and Kelly had bonded, and had now been friends for the last couple of years.

"It's been great man!" Jay could instantly tell his buddy had been drinking for a while. "Erin! Great to see you back in action." He greeted her while pulling her into a hug.

Jay ordered two drinks from Herman, one for himself and one for Erin, while Erin and Kelly chatted.

The three knocked back a few shots, and Erin could already feel the heat in her stomach, and the flush in her cheeks.

"Halstead, hey!" Ruzek waved from across the bar calling him over just as Herman got back with another round of drinks.

"Hey, I'm going over to the guys. You coming?" Jay asked Erin interrupting her conversation with Kelly.

"Go ahead. I'll be over in a minute." She told him, taking the drink from his hands.

Erin remembered Kelly Severide. She remembered his sister's case, she remembered flirting him, but she didn't have to remember that he was hot. That just took one look. She skimmed Kelly's body searching for his hand. He was ringless, and Jay had done a pretty good job at reminding her lately that she was too. So what was a little harmless flirting? At least someone was paying her some attention.

As the night went on the drinks kept flowing. Shot after shot, Erin stuck with Kelly and the firefighters most of the night.

Jay didn't mind. Would he have preferred her to be by his side, or at least not with her ex? Yeah, sure, but she was smiling and having a good time, and so was he with the unit. He couldn't complain.

When the clock hit 11:55, Jay knew if he wanted champagne he had to do it quick, so he made his way over to the crowded bar ordering two glass. As he did, he lost his sight of Erin. She had been out in the dance floor with Kelly, Cruz, Otis, Nadia, Burgess and Ruzek.

"Kelly, you have beautiful eyes. Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?" Erin asked, slurring some of her words in the process.

"Erin you're drunk." Kelly laughed.

"Just a little." She admitted in a high-pitched voice before sliding her hands onto his chest for balance.

"I think more than a little."

"Oh come on. I'm not to drunk to do this." She stood up onto her tippy toes and leaned her head in towards his. Just before their lips made contact Kelly pushed her away, his hands gripping her shoulders.

The count down began around them.

10...9...

"Erin! What are you doing? You're married."

8...7...

Before she could answer, she watched him look over her shoulder with a sense of guilt in his eyes.

6...5...

She turned around herself to a brokenhearted looking Jay, frozen in place, two glasses of champagne in his hands.

4...3...

They locked eyes, and she sobered up instantly, her heart shattering. She hadn't realized she had the ability to hurt him.

2...1...

The bar erupted in cheers.

"Happy fucking New Year" she read his lips before he threw back both glasses of champagne, one after the other.


	15. Chapter 15

"Jay! Jay wait!" Erin pushed her way through the crowd towards him. "Jay I'm…"

He cut her off. "I'm going to say bye to the guys then tack a cab home. Do you need money for a ride home, or are you good?" Erin wasn't expecting him to seem so calm and collected. Why wasn't he yelling, or more harsh? She almost would have preferred it. His relaxed demeanor was making her feel even more terrible.

"I…I'll come with you." She stuttered.

"No. You're having a good time, stay." He reached into his pocket to pull out some cash to give her.

Erin grabbed his wrist to stop him. "I wanna go home. _With you_, Jay."

"Don't. Don't say it like that."

"Like what? I do wanna go home with you. Not with Kelly, but with you. I was wrong, and there's no excuse, but I'm…"

"Erin, stop! Please, just stop." He ran his hands over his face, finally showing signs of frustration. "I'm leaving. Come if you want, or stay. I don't really care. I just need to get outta here."

"I'm coming with you." She followed him right on his heels through the bar, and to the exit. She wasn't letting him out of her sight for a single second.

The bitter wind lashed at them as they stood on the curb waiting for a cab to drive by. The screeching of the wind, and electrified noise of the city kept the silence bearable, but once they were able to hail a cab, the unnerving silence engulfed them, swallowing them whole.

"Jay, I'm sorry." Although she spoke no louder then a whisper, it was startling, devastating the quiet. She couldn't take the tension anymore. Her life had been a constant state of tension ever since she'd woken up, and it was becoming insufferably exhausting.

Jay didn't even turn to face her though; he couldn't look at her face and see flashbacks of her trying to kiss Kelly. So, instead he stared out the window fogged up by the cool air and his warm breath.

Erin didn't need a response in order to continue. She wanted to explain herself, so she continued. "I told you there isn't any excuse, and there isn't. I was drinking, and it was stupid, and I don't know what I was thinking."

"Erin, I don't want to do this right now." His voice was steadfast and sure. He once again, sounded neither angry nor sad. He was unwavering in his decision. He wasn't going to talk about it tonight, and he would not listen to her either.

"I don't want Kelly, Jay. He was just paying attention to me, and I know it's stupid but…"

"Erin! I'm begging you to stop!" There was that spark of emotion she'd been waiting for, but he quickly composed himself, and finished his thought in a calm levelheaded manner. "We've both had a lot to drink tonight. I don't want to do this right now and end up saying something stupid, so please, lets just drop it for now."

With a sigh she agreed. "Can we please talk tomorrow then?"

"Fine." He'd agree to anything to avoid this right now.

The next morning, Jay woke with a small hangover headache, a sore back from the air mattress, a bruised ego, and like every other morning for the past two months, a broken heart.

Olivia was missing from her crib, so he figured Erin had already gotten her. When he opened the door of the bedroom, the smell of cooking breakfast wafted over him. He immediately knew what she was doing, and he'd be lying if he didn't say it mad him slightly less angry. Slightly.

Erin turned from the stovetop hearing his footsteps enter the kitchen. "Apology breakfast?" She asked him timidly. It was a tradition they had been doing since early in their partnership. It actually started after Jay's horrendous first day in intelligence.

"_You are never driving again! Were you trying to fucking kill me Halstead? Do you even have your license? What the hell was that?" A feisty Erin Lindsay screamed at her new partner the second they got back to the station. _

_They'd gotten dragged into a car chase on their first day of partnership, and Jay very nearly drove the car off a bridge into the river. _

"_Hey, I'm sorry, Lindsay. We're fine, and we got the guys. That's all that matters, right?"_

"_You're lucky this time, but you are never driving again. This isn't a good way to begin a new partnership, Halstead, and it's not the way to gain my trust." With that she stomped off towards the steps of the precinct. _

_The next morning, when she arrived to work, she found a cup of coffee and a paper bag with a bagel inside. Scrolled in chicken scratch writing across the front of the bag was the note "Apology Breakfast? I'm sorry for nearly killing us both, yesterday. I'll make it up to you, I swear. –Halstead"_

_After that whenever one of them messed up, the other could always expect breakfast on their desk the next morning._

Jay took a seat at the counter without answering her, and she slid a plate of eggs, bacon, and toast in front of him, along with a fresh mug of coffee.

"I paid Lexi and took her home this morning." She started out with small talk, before jumping into the hard conversation.

Jay nodded while stuffing a bite into his mouth. "Ok. Good."

"I uh…" Erin struggled with how to begin the conversation they so desperately needed to have. She felt horrible. Horrible didn't really begin to describe how badly she felt. The look on Jays face when she had turned around last nigh had completely shattered her heart in ways she didn't know possible. Before she could say anymore Olivia yelled form her highchair trying to get Jay's attention.

"Dada!" Olivia shrieked.

"Hey, Liv! Sorry daddy didn't see you there." He walked over to her, and kissed her head. "Good morning my sweet girl." He noticed the scrambled eggs on her tray. "Are you eating big girl food, baby? Is that yummy?"

"Eeeee" Olivia shrieked waving her hands around making eggs fly all over.

Jay smiled and leaned in and kissed the top of her head again. "Daddy is going to meet uncle Tony at the gym." He looked over to Erin. "You'll be okay here with her?"

"Yeah, but what about your breakfast, and I thought we were going to have that talk this morning?"

"I'm not really hungry, and we'll talk later. I'm going to meet Antonio. I need some space Erin." He hurried down the hall, quickly changed into his gym clothes, and was out the front door before Erin even had time to react.

"You stayed in with the kids while Laura was out on a date? That's rough man, but at least you didn't have to watch your girl try and kiss a fireman." Jay got out between pants, as he punched the sparring gloves Antonio was wearing on his hands.

"Touché, man, but does Erin even know she's your girl anymore?"

"What?" Jay asked while throwing a quick right hook.

"I mean I don't know what Happens behind closed doors, but when I'm with you guys, you seem pretty cold towards her."

Jay stopped punching and walked to the edge of the ring to get a drink.

"Sorry if I'm overstepping, but I'm being honest. As an outsider looking in, I don't see how Erin would even know you still consider her to be your girl."

"No, you're right." Jay took another gulp of water and took the sparring gloves from Antonio in order to switch roles. "I just don't know how to act around her anymore. If I stop being so standoffish then it's like admitting that my wife isn't coming back to me, and I'm not ready for that."

"Why does this Erin, and your wife have to be two different people? She's still Erin."

"She's not the same, Antonio. I can't see them as the same person. I've tried, but I can't do it."

"Well if you don't want to lose both Erin's, you've got to figure out a way to show her you give a damn. I think it's obvious that she needs some reassurance."

"Yeah. I know." He agreed. That was all the talking about it he was willing to do for now though. He knew Antonio was right. Obviously, what Erin had done the night before was wrong, but in a way he didn't blame her.

Looking back, he realized that she had almost been begging him to pay attention to her lately. There was the time she got so dressed up for the Christmas party, and when she got jealous of Holly, and he could think of many other less significant occurrences in the last few weeks. At the time they happened, he hadn't realized that's was what she was doing, but now it seemed so obvious. Erin was begging for someone to notice her again, and last night, Kelly had done that.

When he got home from the gym, the apartment was dead quiet. He found Erin curled up under a blanket on the couch, and automatically assumed Olivia was napping in her crib.

"Hey." Erin's voice broke the silence as Jay was heading down the hall to go shower.

"Hi. I thought you were asleep."

She shook her head. "No. I was just waiting for you. I really don't want to put this off any longer Jay." She sat up and let the blanket fall from around her shoulders.

With a nod, Jay took a seat the opposing end of the couch. He couldn't bring himself to really look at her. His gaze momentarily found her face, but then went quickly back to his lap. Every time he saw her, all he could picture was her lips about to connect with Kelly Severide's the night before.

"Jay, I'm sorry." She began in a whisper. "I can't tell you enough how sorry I am that you had to see that, or how sorry I am that I even did it. I don't want Kelly. I guess I just wanted someone to pay attention to me, and to make me feel like I mattered, and like I was special. Kelly did that last night. He showed me off to his friends, and he laughed at my stupid jokes, and he gave me the attention I've been trying so hard to get from you, Jay. I've been trying so hard."

"I know."

Erin paused not expecting that to be his reply. Jay had certainly been full of surprises lately. What happened to the quick-tempered guy that had ripped down mistletoe, and caused a scene just a few weeks ago? Had she really hurt him and broken him this badly?

"I just need you to know that I don't ever want to hurt you. I feel so terrible and guilty, and I never want to hurt you."

"Okay."

_Okay?_ She couldn't leave the conversation on just okay. She needed to know that he could forgive her eventually. The look in his eyes last night had shown her that he still cared, but now she could only hope that she hadn't completely ruined that. She needed to know that they could move on from this.

"Jay, can you say something, anything please? Let me know what you're thinking."

"I don't know, Erin. I understand why it happened, but I can't just move on and forget about it. Not only was it painful to see, it was embarrassing and humiliating. All of our friends and coworkers were there. I'm not even mad at this point, Erin. I just need time to forget."

He could tell how badly she felt about it. He knew she one hundred percent regretted it, and her apology was genuine, it just wasn't going to be easy to move on from. Like he had told her, he just needed time.


	16. Chapter 16

**Hey guys, I'm back with chapter 16. Thank you to everyone that continues to read and review. It makes writing so much more enjoyable and gives me motivation when I really need it. Looks like things are beginning to clear up, well at least a little bit, for Linstead starting with this chapter. Let me know what you think, and thanks again for reading. **

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><p>"So, how are you doing kid? No bullshitting me." Jay knew the second Voight split him and Erin up today that this conversation was coming.<p>

"No bullshit? I'm not really sure how I'm doing. Olivia's happy, and has her mommy back. That matters a whole hell of lot more then how I'm doing."

"I wont argue you on that. Olivia should come first, but she's had her mom back for a while now. I know she's okay. I wanna know about you. Any changes on the marriage front?" After he and Erin got together, it took a wile for Jay to finally see this side of Voight, but once he did he understood why Erin respected him so much. Jay had always respected him as his boss, but when he really got to know Hank, he respected him as a man. He was one of the most caring people he knew. He just had a different way of showing it.

"I don't know." He paused to think for a minute. "She's trying. I can tell. I wanna try too, I just… It's not as easy as you'd think. I don't know where to begin. Maybe I should take her out or something; how the hell do you date your wife?"

"Halstead, you just gotta take a step in the right direction. Get the ball rolling. You said she's trying, so just start small and prove you are too."

"Good advice and all, but any specific ideas on where to start?"

"You're a smart kid; you'll figure something out. Wanna stop at the deli on the way back to station for lunch?"

"Yeah sure." Jay mumbled thinking about his next move.

Antonio and Erin entered the front doors of Mercy hospital to interview a victim of their newest case.

"Now, no fainting on me, alright?" Antonio requested with a chuckle, as the breached the entryway of the hospital.

"What are you talking about?" Erin paused her movement, and looked to him confusedly.

"Oh shit. It's an inside joke we had. I'll explain after the interview." Antonio answered, continuing his stride towards the elevators.

Erin pushed her questions to the back of her mind in order to conduct the interview, but thirty-five minutes later, and the second they got to the car, she brought it back up.

"So, it's after the interview. Time to fill me in."

Antonio shook his head with a smile at her impatience, and started the engine. "I always give you a hard time about it, but when it happened it was far from funny. You know Halstead was shot the day before you were originally supposed to be married, right?"

She nodded. She had learned that information a while ago.

"Well when the doctor came to explain his condition after surgery, he didn't even make it half way through and you passed out. I had to catch you before you hit the ground. Now every time we have to come here for a case I like to give you a hard time about it."

_Erin paced back and forth in the hospital waiting room. Crimson red stained the front of her shirt, and smeared up to her elbows, from applying pressure to his wound._

_Jay had been whisked away to an operating room the moment the ambulance had arrived, and Erin couldn't yet comprehend what was happening. It was all a blur. Time was moving so rapidly, yet each moment lasted a lifetime. _

_After a few minutes of frantically pacing it hit her. Jay was shot in the chest. He could die. He was on the operation table fighting for his life, and she was waiting here alone, with no way to help him._

_Her back slid against the wall, her knees giving out beneath her. With her head rested in her lap she began to sob uncontrollably. _

_She wasn't sure how long she'd been crying when she sensed a figure taking a seat on the floor beside her. Next and arm draped over her shoulders. "Erin," the voice began tentatively, and she recognized it straight away. It was impossible not to recognize._

_She turned her head to face the familiar voice. "He can't die." She whispered in a cry, slow hot tears still streaming down her cheeks. _

"_Hey, he's not going to. All Halstead has talked about for moths is marring you. He's not going to miss out on that."_

"_The wedding. Oh my god what are we going to do about the wedding tomorrow?"_

_Hank nodded towards the seats of the waiting room filled with intelligence members. "They got it under control. Nadia is working on the venue, Burgess got the guest list for the guys to notify everyone, and she already called the catering. Your family is taking care of it, Erin."_

_Erin nodded. "Thank you." She really had the best team, the best family. _

"_No need for that. Come on lets get you off of this floor. Nadia got you clean clothes from your locker."_

_Erin looked down noticing for the first time that her skin and her clothes were covered in blood. His blood._

"_He's going to be okay, Hank?" She knew Voight would only tell her what she wanted to hear right now, but she didn't care. She just needed someone to tell her everything would be okay. He would be okay. _

"_I have no doubts." Voight pulled her into his side. He hadn't seen her this vulnerable in a long time. She felt frail and weak, and her body shook from nerves. She was that same scared little girl he had saved all those years ago. She was terrified, and if he was being honest, he was afraid too. _

_He brought her to Nadia, who then walked with her to the bathroom to change into her clean clothes. When she came back from changing she took a seat between Voight and Antonio, but she couldn't sit still very long. She alternated between sitting and pacing, sitting, and pacing up and down the hallway. _

_After three and a half hours of anxiously waiting, she couldn't keep her cool anymore. "What the hell is going on? I need answers! I need to know how he's… if he's…" Her voice cracked as her words trailed off._

"_Hey, come on I'll take you to the nurses station, and we can ask if they have an update." Antonio stood up from his seat and wrapped her in a hug. _

_Right as they began their walk to the nurse's station, Jay's doctor entered the waiting room. _

"_Family of Jay Halstead." The entire unit sprang to their feet. Erin pushed to the front of the group, with Antonio still by her side. _

"_Mr. Halstead is…"_

_Ruzek cut the doctor off. "It's Detective. Detective Halstead."_

_Erin swiftly turned her head, giving Adam a glare. She didn't care what the hell the doctor called Jay; she just needed to know he was okay. _

"_Detective Halstead," The doctor corrected himself, "is currently in recovery. His surgery went as well as could be expected." _

_Erin let out a deep sigh of relief, before suddenly beginning to feel nauseous and woozy. Her chest tightened and her breaths became increasingly shallow. She tried to focus of the doctor's lips, but she could only catch occasional words, and the words she did catch she struggled to understand. _

"_Pericardial Tamponed…__Precordium filled with blood… Externally compressed his heart…"_

"_Can you explain in English Please?" Voight chimed in, and that was the last thing Erin heard before she felt her legs give out beneath her._

"Why did I pass out?"

"The doctor said it was a panic attack. You'd been under a lot of stress with the wedding, and then Jay getting shot the day before, it was just too much strain. I caught you before you hit the ground though. You're welcome." He teased with a grin.

"Well thank you for that, and everything else. I haven't really had a chance to talk to you lately. I figured Jay needed you more, so I kept my distance. I know he needs his own space right now."

Antonio reached over and clasped her shoulder. "I'm not taking sides, Erin. I don't think there are sides to take. You guys are just trying to figure it all out. If you need me, I'm always here. I'll let you in on a little secret; I'm probably not supposed to tell you this, but I know Jay still cares and wants to try to show you that."

A small grin formed on her lips. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Antonio nodded. "You know Jay, he'll probably move at the slowest pace possible, but he does want to try and improve things between you two."

When Erin arrived back at the precinct she noticed a brown paper bag on her desk that wasn't there when she left. Suspicious of what it was, she slowly walked over and peaked inside. She smiled to herself when she saw her favorite turkey sandwich from the deli down the street setting inside the bag.

She looked up to find Jay glancing at her from his desk. She pointed down to the bag, and then back to him, silently asking if the sandwich was his doing.

Jay nodded with a grin.

"Thank you." She mouthed the words and took a seat in her chair.

"You're welcome." He mouthed back to her. After that, he couldn't help but keep peaking up at her every few seconds. Surprising her with her favorite lunch was such a small gesture, but she looked so happy. The last few months, he hadn't seen her so genially happy unless it had to do with Olivia, and he'd forgotten how incredible it felt to the reason behind Erin Lindsay's smile. He'd forgotten how much he loved that smile, and it didn't seem to fade for the rest of the day.

That night, Erin picked up Olivia from daycare. It was the first time Jay had let her go and pick Liv up on her own. She'd been staying home alone with the baby for a while now, but this was the final step in proving that Jay fully trusted her as Olivia's mommy again.

She was playing with Liv in the living room, when her stomach growled. Heading to the kitchen, she decided to whip up some dinner. Jay would be home soon, and he had gotten her lunch, so she thought she'd return the favor and make dinner.

She plugged her phone into the docker that sat on the kitchen counter, and let Pandora play through the apartment.

Humming to herself she searched through the fridge. When she came up empty handed she shut the stainless steel door with a sigh. They needed to go grocery shopping. Almost everything was expired or spoiled except for Olivia's food.

Her discontent frown was quickly wiped away when she looked to the living room to check on Olivia. Erin had left her playing with her toys, but now the baby was standing, holding onto the coffee table, and bouncing up and down to the music.

Erin tried to hold back her laugh, so she wouldn't distract her. She wanted to record the moment for Jay, but if she took the phone off the docking station the music would stop. She'd have to settle for telling him about it later.

Olivia's chubby little legs bent at the knees, bouncing her up and down. After a few seconds of that move, she would stand straight up and rock left to right quickly. She got brave and lifted one arm from the coffee table and flailed it around, until she almost toppled over, then she was back to gripping the table with both hands.

Erin snuck around the couch into the living room, so she could view the look on Liv's face as she danced away. Her expression was even more adorable then Erin envisioned. Olivia's open-mouthed smile covered her face, and strands of her short, light brown hair bounced around as she moved. She was perfect. Like most mothers, Erin was thoroughly convinced that she had the most beautiful baby to ever exist. Her eyes were hazel-green like hers, but Erin loved the way they lit up the same way Jays did when she got excited. Her little nose and the shape of her face were distinctly Halstead, and Erin hoped she'd also develop his adorable freckles.

When Olivia spotted Erin she squealed elatedly, and then halted her dancing in order to babble at her mommy. She couldn't both talk and keep her balance to dance at the same time.

"Are you dancing, baby?" Erin asked. Olivia shrieked back happily in response. Erin started to bob her head to encourage Olivia to continue with her dancing. "Come on keep going. Dance with mommy."

Olivia began to mimic Erin's movements to the best of her abilities, so Erin stood up and began to prance around the living room. Olivia did her best to keep up and copy her mom, while still holding onto the coffee table.

Ten minutes later, when Jay walked into the apartment, a Beyoncé song was blaring from the speaker, and both Erin and Olivia were dancing around joyfully.

It took Erin, a minute to notice Jay, but when she did she stopped to laugh at herself.

"Do you see her?" Erin asked pointing to Olivia. The moment Erin stopped dancing, Olivia followed suit.

Jay laughed. "Yeah you can't stop! She's following you!"

"Well I'm not embarrassing myself all alone." She scurried over and grabbed Jay's hands, pulling him into the living room. "You're dancing too."

She was surprised when he didn't resist, instead he began to dace with them.

"Oh my god, you dance exactly how I imagined you would." Erin almost snorted from laughing so hard.

"What you don't like my moves, Er?"

She shook here head back and forth. "I never said it was bad, it's just exactly how I imagined."

Jay grabbed her hand and spun her. Next thing he knew they were pressed to chest to chest. It wasn't a slow song, but the hand Jay didn't already have holding hers, found Erin's waist. Erin's free hand snaked up onto his shoulder, and they rocked slowly.

His gaze couldn't leave hers even if he wanted it to. The world, the hurt, the memory loss, all of it was absent in that moment. It was just the two of them, and it didn't matter which version of Erin.


	17. Chapter 17

Jay was in the shower, and Erin was already in bed for the night. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't wipe away the smile that was plastered on her face. It was one of the best days she'd had in months, and after work, her night got even better.

Jay held her flush against him as they danced in the living room. She wasn't sure that anything more would have happened had they not been interrupted by Olivia crawling over and tugging on Jay's pant leg, but Erin didn't care. They had a moment, the kind of moment she'd been craving for weeks now. That was all that mattered. It was all she cared about.

Jay exited the bathroom with a new pair of boxers on, damp hair, and body that Erin once again struggled to keep her eyes off of. The more she started to feel for him, the harder it got to look away.

"Is the light going to bother you if I keep the door open? The steam is really thick in there? I'll be quick." Jay asked.

"No, go ahead. I'm not even asleep yet."

"Okay thanks. So, I know we've got almost six weeks, but maybe we should start planning what we are going to do for Liv's birthday soon. I think her birthday is on a Friday, and we have that weekend off." He words began to become nearly incomprehensible as he started to brush his teeth. "We should decide if we want the party Friday night, or Saturday afternoon."

"I think Saturday, just incase we get pulled into a big case, and end up having to work late. I want her to be wide awake, and happy for her party."

He spit out his toothpaste before answering. "Good point. Do you wanna do it here, or someplace else?"

She loved that Jay was asking her these questions, and including her in the decision making. Not long ago, he would have made all the decisions regarding Olivia, and then just told her what they were doing. Now it felt like they were engaging in a conversation a normal couple would have. "Here is good. Then she can walk around and play. She'll have more fun that way."

Jay stood in the doorway between the bathroom and the bedroom, smiling at her.

"What?" She could feel her cheeks flushing.

"Nothing." He shook his head. He was impressed by the way she thought of things he hadn't even considered when it came to Olivia's party. She'd come such a long way from where they first started a few months ago. "You're just a great mom. I don't know if I've told you that lately, but you're doing an amazing job. I know it wasn't easy, and you've had to work at it, but Olivia and I are both really lucky to have you."

Erin's eyes filled with tears and her chest tightened, making her unable to speak. Jay exhaled a laughed and took a seat on the edge of the bed. "Hey, don't cry."

Erin laughed at herself, trying to wipe away the tears that had escaped. "I just really needed to hear that."

He smiled down at her kindly "I should have told you sooner," he whispered. When Erin didn't answer and continued to rub away tears, Jay placed his hand on her knee and gently stroked his thumb across it through the blankets.

She rolled her eyes and laughed at herself, embarrassed by her own reaction to his compliment. "Thank you." She finally said in such a quiet whisper he wouldn't have caught it had he not been looking at her.

"Good night, Erin." He stood from the bed and headed towards the door, first stopping by the bathroom to shut off the light.

"What if you slept in here tonight?"

He almost didn't hear it. She said it so quietly and timidly. He paused with his back to her for a minute, it felt like an agonizing lifetime to Erin, before he turned back to face her. "You sure?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I mean you've been on that air mattress for a while now. It can't be good for your back." She quickly came up with an excuse as to why she asked him to stay. Really, she just wanted him there with her.

"Yeah. Okay, I'm going to check on Livie one last time, and grab my pillow. I'll be right back."

He reentered the bedroom minutes later and slowly crawled into bed beside her. They both lay stiffly on their backs, staring up at the ceiling before Erin began to laugh nervously. Jay followed suit.

"This is awkward Huh?" Erin chuckled, and turned on her side to face him.

He too rolled on his side. "Yeah. Maybe we should talk about something to make it less weird?"

"Like what?"

"Anything."

"Ok. Hmmm." She contemplated what to ask him. "Beside Olivia, and no typical relationship stuff, what was the best day of you life?"

"Oh hitting me with a hard one right off the back." He thought for a moment. "I guess it would be the day I got home from Iraq. My second tour was up, and the moment that plane touched down, I felt safe for the first time in four years. I'd made it through hell, and I was alive. It's also probably one of the worst days of my life too. Everyone expected me to be the same Jay, hell, I expected to be the same guy that I was before I left, but I wasn't, and that day I realized I never would be again. I'd just seen to much to ever be the same again."

Erin watched him intently. She could see his mind flashing back to his time in the war. It made her admire him even more. His vulnerability in that moment was beautiful.

"How about you?" He finally asked shattering the silence. "What was your greatest moment, Erin Lindsay?"

She didn't even have to think about it. It came to her right away. "It was a few months after Voight took me in. I had the day off school for some reason, but Justin still had to go, so it was just hank, Camille, and I. We went out to breakfast at this little diner. It's closed now, but it used to be Camille's favorite. While we were there, an old friend of Camille's happened to be there too. She came over to our table, and Camille introduced me as their daughter, Erin. I'll never forget it. They weren't ashamed of me and they claimed me as their own. It was the first time I'd ever felt like I belonged, like I had a family. That was the first time I ever felt wanted, I guess." Her lips turned up into a grin recalling the moment. It really had changed her life, and it changed the way she viewed herself.

"You've never told me that one before."

"No?" Erin asked.

He shook his head. "No, I like it though. It's a good one."

Neither of them said anything more for a while. The full moon shined through the blinds so brightly that she could see each round freckle on his face. In her mind she connected the darker ones like constellations.

Although there was a space between them in the bed, Jay could still faintly smell the fruity scent of her shampoo. He wanted more then anything to bury his face in her hair and breath in that familiar smell, as his lips danced along the tender skin behind her ear.

While lost in his daydreams, he caught her gaze for a quick moment, and became acutely aware of the silence. He felt the need to say something, anything, so he blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"Tell me something embarrassing now." That was the best you could come up with? Way to think on your toes, man. He reprimanded himself.

She eyed him quizzically. Something embarrassing? "Don't you know my most embarrassing stories by now?"

"Maybe." He shrugged. "Try me."

"Okay well," she pondered for a moment. "Do you know I can't ride a bike?"

A grin of disbelief rapidly overtook his face. "Nuh-uh." He sniggered.

"I'm serious." She watched his smile widen. "It's not funny! I never had one as a kid. How was I supposed to learn?"

"Am I gonna have to teach you at the same time I teach Olivia? Do they make adult sized bikes with training wheels?" He teased.

"Shut up." She rolled her eyes. "Since you laughed at me I want something really embarrassing about you. What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to Jay Halstead?"

"This story stays in this apartment, between me and you. The guys find out at work, and I know you're the snitch."

She nodded thinking it must be good.

"I played one year of middle school basketball. I was the worst kid on the team, so when it was time to hand out uniforms I got the leftovers. My jersey was a little too tight, my shorts were a few sizes to big, and I was a mess. Anyways, the first game of the season, the coach throws me in, because he had to give everyone a chance. I somehow get the ball, I go up for a jump shot, and my too big shorts go straight down to my ankles."

Erin had already started chuckling, and his story wasn't over yet.

"Oh there's more. I felt the shorts slip and I flinched, and jerked my body trying to stop it. The ball left my hands, heading nowhere near the basket. Instead, It hit a cheerleader right in the face and broke her nose. Out of all the cheerleaders, it just so happened to be the one I had a huge twelve-year-old crush one, and the reason I joined the team was to get her to notice me. After that, she noticed me alright, she just also hated me."

Erin held back hysterical laughs. "Is this a true story, or the plot of some 90's movie?"

"If it was a movie don't you think I would have got the girl?"

"I wanna see a picture of twelve year old you. I bet you were cute. Liv looks just like you now, I wanna see what she might look like at that age."

"I don't think I have any pictures really, but who would have thought a little girl could look like me and be so adorable?"

"I sure wouldn't have." She teased.

"Hey." Jay pouted. He moved his arm up onto his side, and for the first time the scar on his chest became visible. Erin's eyes were immediately drawn to it. After her conversation with Antonio earlier they day, she was pulled to that scar like she was in a trance.

Before she realized what she was doing, her fingers reached out to him.

Her touch was shocking. It reminded him of being eight years old and being dared to touch an electric fence. A quick jolt of electricity that felt strangely amazing. Her hands on his skin had that same electric feeling.

He observed her face as she studied the scar. Eventually he looked down to watch her red polished fingers trace over the rough patch of skin.

"I talked about it with Antonio today." She finally whispered. "He told me I fainted when the doctor came to explain your condition. The whole time he was telling me the story, I felt like it was right there. It was so familiar, yet I just couldn't remember it myself. I wish I could remember, Jay."

He took in a gulp of air. "I know. Me too." He wished that more than anything.

After a few more seconds, Erin sighed removing her finger. She hated that she had just ruined the previously pleasant mood. "We have to work tomorrow. Good night, Jay." She rolled away form him.

"Good night."

_Voight stood next to the hospital bed waiting for Erin to come to. After she passed out while the doctor was explaining Jay's condition, they allowed her to rest on one of the empty hospital beds. A few minutes later she regained consciousness, and instantly panicked not knowing how long she'd been out of it. _

"_What happened?" Her eyes dodged around before finding Hanks face._

"_You passed out."_

_She looked around a minute more trying to remember what was going on. Suddenly she sprung forward sitting up. "Where's Jay? Is he?" Her bottom lip began to quiver with fear. _

"_No. No. He's okay." Voight quickly reassured her._

"_I need to see him! Where is he?" She flung herself off the bed. _

"_Calm down alright? I'll take you to him."_

"_Don't tell me to calm down! Just take me to Jay." _

_When they got to the door of Jay's room, Antonio was inside. Erin leaned against the doorframe taking in a large gasp. She wasn't sure what she had imagined Jay to look like, but she didn't think it'd be this bad. Seeing him asleep with all the tubes and wires attached to him broke her heart. _

_Hearing her in the doorway, Antonio left the room to give her time alone with him. As he exited, he gave her shoulder a quick comforting squeeze, not that anything could really comfort her in that moment. _

_She slowly made her way to his bedside, felling like her legs would give out beneath her at any second. _

_She slouched into the chair beside his bed, and instinctively her hand rose up to cover her mouth._

"_Baby." She whispered taking his hand in her own. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry this happened. I knew we should have just stayed home to do last minute wedding stuff today." She wiped the tears away with her free hand. _

"_The doctor said your surgery went well, or at least that's what Voight told me, because I kind of fainted while the doctor was talking. You don't worry about me though. I'm okay. You just need to focus on healing and getting better." _

_She brought his hand up to her mouth, and placed a gentle kiss on his knuckles. "We still have so much to do, Jay. I need you to get better so we can get married, and start our life together. I might just drag your ass to the court house the second you're able to leave this place. I just want to be your wife. We don't have to have an actual wedding. I just want you, baby. I need you to be okay." With trembling limbs she stood and placed a tender kiss on his forehead._

_Three days came and went, and Erin had only gone home once to sleep, shower, and change her clothes. The doctor said he was recovering well, but she was becoming more and more worried as time progressed. She'd only seen him open his eyes once, and that was only for a split second. His doctor claimed it was a normal due the stress of the surgery, and all of the medication he was on, but she didn't understand why he wasn't awake yet. She just wanted to talk to him, and know he was going to be alright. _

_She sat beside his bed, in his black hoodie, and dozed off. She barely felt him squeeze her hand the first time, but when it happened the second time her eyes shot open, and she jumped to her feet. _

"_Hi. Hi. Oh my god. Hi, baby." Words rapidly gushed from her mouth in excitement and relief. She tried to hold back tears and stroked the side of his face. _

_He gave her a sleepy smile. "I'm hungry as hell."_

_Erin laughed with giant hot tears trickling down her cheeks. She'd missed his humor so much. "I bet you are. It's been three days."_

"_Three days? What about the wedding?"_

_She gave him a lopsided grin. "I'm still a single woman," she answered shrugging her shoulder. She wanted to play it off as not big deal. He didn't need to feel any worse. _

"_I'm sorry."_

"_No. It's not your fault, Jay. Don't apologize unless you don't plan on marrying me now."_

"_Go get the chaplain, and I'd marry you right now."_

_She brushed the hair from his forehead. "Uh-uh. I tried on 100 dresses, and you're gonna see me in it, besides Voight would kill us if he didn't get to be there. I think the guys would be pissed too, after all the work they put into cancelling the wedding." _

"_Okay. No more crying though. I don't like being the reason you cry."_

"_Not even happy tears?" _

"_I'd rather make you smile."_

"_You do; every day." She gently kissed his lips. _

"_Me too." He mumbled as she pulled away. Erin could see he was getting tired again, and was fighting to stay awake. "I love you, and I'm gonna marry you still, Erin. I promise." _

"_I know." She nodded retaking his hand in hers. "I love you too, Jay. Get some sleep. I'm not going anywhere."_

The next morning, Erin woke up before the alarm clock, and before Olivia. Despite the fact that she and Jay had stayed up half the night talking, she felt the most rested she had in months.

She assumed that her talk the day before with Antonio, and talking about it again with Jay right before bed must have triggered the memory she had just dreamed. It seemed to work that way. Something would always trigger the memories. Unfortunately, it was never consistent. Sometimes things would come back in dreams, other times she would have moments that felt like deja vu while she was awake. There was no guaranteed way for her to remember anything.

Last nights memory had filled in a giant piece of the puzzle. It connected most of her previous memories, and so many stories she had heard, but more importantly it gave her a glimpse into her relationship with Jay.

She carefully rolled over to look at him, and smiled when he was still beside her peacefully asleep. He looked so serene, and so handsome, and she knew she loved him. She loved him in the same way she had loved him in that memory. She wasn't sure when it happened, or how it happened, but she was sure she had fallen in love with Jay Halstead all over again.


	18. Chapter 18

Jay and Erin arrived home early from work for the first time all week. Thankfully, the daycare provider was flexible and willing to keep Olivia late, because it was the first time they had been able to get her before 9 pm in quite some time.

After having dinner, Jay nearly instantly passed out on the couch with Olivia snuggled on top of his chest. It was one of the most adorable things that Erin had ever seen, but it left her unsure of how to spend her free time. She couldn't turn on the television because it would wake them, so she headed down the hall in search of something to do. A giant basket of clean clothes sat at the foot of the bed, and upon noticing it, she no longer needed to wonder how she could spend her spare time.

They had both spent a few hours in the laundry room of the apartment complex a few nights ago, but with their busy schedule neither one had gotten around to folding, or putting away clothes. She started with folding and taking care of all of Olivia's clothes, and then her own. By the time she was finished with that, Jay and Liv were still asleep, so she decided to do Jay a favor, and put his away too.

She had the last few articles of clothing, a few pairs of socks, in hand when she opened his top dresser drawer, and noticed a small black velvet box inside. A slight smile came over her face, assuming it was her wedding ring. She hadn't seen it since she gave it back to Jay at the hospital.

She wanted to wear it again, but more importantly she wanted Jay to want her to wear it again. She wanted back what the ring represented, and she wanted Jay to look at her the same way he did in her most recent memory.

_There was a quiet yet urgent rapping on the door. "Erin, let me in." She heard his voice on the other side._

_She hurried over to the door, gripped the handle, but paused without opening it. "I'm not supposed to let you see me remember?" _

"_Please, Erin. I need to see you."_

_The door slowly opened, and he rushed inside. Erin shut the door behind him, after first making sure no one had seen him enter the dressing room._

_When she turned back around to face him, Jay's jaw fell open. Seconds later the corners of his mouth turned up into a smile. "Wow," He spoke like the breath had just been knocked out of him._

_She grinned taking a step closer to him. "You look pretty handsome yourself in that tux."_

"_Trust me, I look no where near as amazing as you do right now." He wanted to touch her, but she looked so elegant, and gorgeous, and clean in her white dress. He was afraid he would ruin it somehow. _

"_So, why are you down here, Jay?" She looked over to the clock on the wall. "We have a half an hour to go. You were the one that was all superstitious and didn't want to see me today."_

"_I know. I just needed to see you." He looked so sweet and innocent as he spoke. _

"_Are you getting cold feet?" She asked worried._

"_No, not at all! The opposite. It's just-" He shrugged his shoulders and dipped his head down meekly, "I'm supposed to stand up there, in front of all our friends and family in a few minutes, and I wanted to make sure you were really going to be walking towards me."_

"_Jay," She placed a hand on his chest over his perfectly ironed suit jacket. "I'm going to be practically running down that aisle, okay?" She smiled up at him. "Besides, Kim made me sit for 2 hours while those girls painted my face on, and did my hair. I'm making sure that torture wasn't done in vain." She shot him a wink, and in return Jay exhaled a silent laugh._

"_You look beautiful." He whispered. "Are you going to ever let me live it down if I cry during our wedding?" _

_She smiled and shook her head. "Probably not. I don't think any of our friends would let you live it down either. You should probably find a way to man up, and hold back those tears."_

_He rolled his eyes playfully. "Wow thanks. Any suggestions on how to do that?" _

"_I don't know. Clench your ass cheeks or something." She laughed. _

_Jay let out a deep chuckle, and intertwined their fingers together, still too afraid to touch her gorgeous gown, and perfectly done hair and makeup. "God I love you." _

"_I love you too, Jay. Now you should probably go before Burgess gets back here with Voight, and we both get a lecture on bad juju or whatever Kim calls it." _

_Jay nodded, and brought her hand to his lips kissing her knuckles. "Okay. I'll see you in a few minutes?"_

"_I promise, Jay. I'm walking down that aisle." She gave him one last reassuring smile before he left the room._

When she finally opened the velvety box she was surprised to see a completely different ring, one she had no recollection of. It was a stunning silver band holding three gorgeous stones. One green, one blue, and one larger purple gem sat cushioned in the middle.

She drew it from the box, and slid it on her finger. It fit perfectly, indicating that it did belong to her. She wished she could remember what it was from, or how she had gotten it. She decided she would ask Jay about it later when they were in bed. Jay had been sleeping in their bedroom for the past four nights, and besides getting happy, smiley Olivia from her crib first thing in the morning, their pillow talk had quickly become Erin's favorite part of the day. It didn't seem awkward anymore. They could talk about almost anything, whether it be serious, or humorous. Every night she felt like she fell for him more and more.

Jay woke up from his nap, and noticed his little girl nestled atop his chest. He didn't want to move her, but his bladder had different plans, so he carefully placed her in her crib, and headed further down the hall.

He took one step into the bedroom, and stopped dead in his tracks upon noticing his open dresser drawer, and the piece of jewelry on Erin's finger. "What are you doing?"

"I just found this ring. It's really beautiful." She slid it off and placed in back into the box.

"That's not for you! Why are you looking through my stuff?"

Erin was completely taken aback by his outburst. "I… What?" She stuttered unsure of how to respond.

"Why are you going through my shit?" He marched closer to her. "I had that put away."

Erin stood up from the bed, growing defensive. "I was being nice, and found it when I was putting your clean clothes away. I wasn't 'going through your shit."

"Well you should have left it alone. It's not for you." He put out his hand, and Erin roughly slammed the box into his palm.

"Then who's the ring for then, Jay?" Her tone was sharp.

He glared at her, but didn't answer.

"Answer the damn question, Jay! Who is it for?"

He peered down at the ring, and then up at her, still refusing to respond to her question.

"Come on, who's it for? Is it for your wife? Hm, is that who it's for?" Her voice got progressively louder. "Because I am your fucking wife, and I don't know what it's going to take for you to realize that!"

"You're my wife?" He yelled back his voice laced with cynicism. He forcefully ripped the ring from the box, and shoved it out towards her. "Okay if you're my wife, tell me what this ring means. Tell me what it symbolizes, because my wife would know."

"This is bullshit, Jay! This is bullshit, and you know it!" She stormed towards the door.

"Yeah run away. You've been good at that lately," Jay scoffed under his breath, but still loud enough for Erin to overhear.

She came to a sharp halt at his words. "Are you kidding me? You're bringing up the fact that 3 months ago, when I had just woken up from a coma, I went and stayed with Voight for a few days? As far as I'm concerned, you are the only one that has been running lately."

He cackled sarcastically. "I've been running? Where the hell have I've been running to, Erin?"

"You've been running away from me, and your feelings, and don't even try to tell me otherwise. I've been trying to talk to you about us for weeks now, and you shoot me down every time I try to bring it up."

She wanted to break down and cry right then and there, but she also didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry.

"It doesn't matter." She looked back towards him shaking her head. She felt like such an idiot. "It doesn't matter that I fucking love you, or that I've been trying so hard, so damn hard to be the perfect wife and mother! I've been walking around this place on eggshells for months now, and it will never matter to you. Unless I remember every last detail, and act exactly the way I used to, you are never going to love me back!" Her hands began to shake from anger, and it took every ounce of will she had to hold back sobs. She felt so stupid. She loved him, and wanted to be with him more than anything, and the last few days she'd started to think he felt the same way. Now she knew differently. She searched his eyes one last time, hoping to find any glint of hope, but was left disappointed. She abruptly pivoted on her heels towards door.

Jay was seething. Why couldn't she understand how hard this was for him too? Why couldn't she realize that he needed more time? She couldn't just speak her mind, and then not give him a chance to respond. She needed to hear his side of the argument. He rushed towards the door and grabbed her arm. "Erin, wait!"

Her body whipped around to face him. "I can't do this anymore, Jay. It's not fair. I can't keep loving you, and wanting you, if you're never going to want-"

She was cut off when Jay's lips crashed onto hers, pushing her body back against the wall, he kissed her hard. His hands gripped the sides of her neck, his thumbs reaching her cheeks on both sides.

Erin hummed into his mouth, her arms falling limp at her sides, paralyzed in shock. She felt warmth in the pit of her stomach, similar to the warmth she felt after drinking a few glasses of scotch. Even if it was an angry kiss, she wanted to bottle up the electric feeling of kissing Jay Halstead, and keep it forever.

When he pulled away, a quiet moan escaped Erin's pink, swollen lips. She immediately missed his taste and touch. She gazed up at his now foggy blue eyes, feeling utterly confused, and out of breath. Her body was still pinned between him and the wall.

"You think I don't want you, Erin?" His voice was a winded, raspy whisper that sent chills down her spine, despite the fact that her entire body was already covered in goosebumps. "I want you so bad, but that's the problem. I feel like I'm betraying her. I know it's irrational, but I feel like I'm betraying who you used to be, who we used to be."

"We can't keep living like this, Jay. It's not fair to me, you, or our little girl. I can't wait around forever."

"I know. I wouldn't ask you to wait forever." They were still huddled so close together that they could feel warm breath, and the rise and fall of one another's chest.

"Then what are you asking for, Jay. Just say it."

"I need space. I'm going to start sleep in the other room again."

Space? Up until a few days ago they slept in separate beds, in separate rooms, and only spoke when it had to do with work or Olivia. How much more space could he need? She found herself nodding in agreement anyways. She loved him and wasn't ready to give up yet, so if space was what he needed, fine.

Jay continued. "And I need more time to figure this all out."

Time? How much more time could he need? Things were already moving as slowly as possible between them. She'd been home for three moths now, and this was the first time they had even kissed.

"I can't do this forever, Jay. I won't."

"I can't either, Erin, but I need to figure out what comes next, and this is the only way I know how to do it."

She looked down at the floor her shoulders slumping. "Fine, but this isn't the way I want things, Jay." She sighed before whispering. "I want us."

Jay nodded and stepped away from her. "I'm sorry." He whispered back before leaving the bedroom, and closing the door behind him.

Her back was still pressed against the wall when he left. She took in a sharp inhale, but it wouldn't exhale as anything but a whimper. Instinctively her fingers found her lips. They still tingled from the kiss, yet the rest of her hurt like hell. It seemed like every time they took a step forward, it was followed by three steps back.

Rubbing her temples, already feeling a migraine forming, she headed over to the bed, and collapsed down on top of the blankets. She didn't have the energy to pull them back. Silent tears fell from her eyes, and her body began to convulse with the sobs she'd been holding back. As warm, streaming tears escaped her eyes, recollections of their first ever argument flooded her memory.

"_Erin where are you going! Your car is at the precinct!" He'd barely finished when the front door to his apartment slammed shut. _

_In the six months they had been together, they had strictly followed the rule that work stayed at work. The rule had functioned perfectly until Erin became too emotionally invested in one of their cases. _

_Jay loved how big her heart was, and how dedicated she was to their job, and to their city, but with this case she'd gone to far. She was going out after hours to follow up leads on her own, putting herself in danger without back up, and he couldn't stay silent. That's what started the fight, and Erin storming out of his apartment is what ended it. _

_It was after 10 pm, pouring outside, she had no car, and had left her jacket in Jay's apartment containing her cell phone, and the cash needed for a cab. With a deep sigh she flipped up her sweatshirt hood, and scurried down the sidewalk towards her own apartment. It only took a few seconds of jogging for her to realize that she was going to get drenched. It was times like this when she wished she wasn't so damn stubborn. A normal person would have gone back to Jay's apartment, but not her. Even if deep down she knew Jay was right, she was sticking to her guns, and walking home. _

_By cutting through a park, and a few allies, which she knew was incredibly dangerous unarmed at this time of night, she made in home in 25 minutes. _

_She trekked up the 4 flights of stairs soaking wet. Her jeans clung to her body, mascara ran down her cheeks, and the water had soaked all the way to her socks, leaving her freezing cold. _

_When she made it to her door she reached for the spare key she kept hidden in the decorative plant by the door. After only a second of searching, she was cursing under her breath. "Dammit." She had completely forgotten she had given Jay her spare key. Now she was sopping wet, with no phone, no keys, and emotionally drained. _

_She slid her back down the wall and hugged her legs in trying to keep warm. She buried her face in her legs, and began to cry, overcome with exhaustion and regret. She had gone overboard with the case. Jay was right, and she should have listened instead of getting defensive. Now she just wanted to go back to his place, but she couldn't walk all the way back there. _

_A few minutes went by, when she felt a figure approaching her. Her head snapped up, and every muscle in her body tensed, only to relax when she saw it was Jay. _

_Without saying a word, he stood directly in front of her, towering over her, and slipped the spare key she had given him in the lock. After pushing open the door he finally muttered some words, "Come one." He reached his hand out and pulled her to her feet. Her hands were ice cold, and her lips were purple and blue._

"_I'm sorry, Jay." She whispered as her teeth chattered. _

_He didn't respond, he just pulled her to the bathroom, and made her sit on the lid of the toilet. Then he started her shower, getting it as hot as possible._

"_I'm sorry. I was wrong. I'm cold, and I'm tired, and I'm sorry." She cried. _

_He walked back over to her and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. "I know. You're freezing, you're exhausted, and you're sorry. I'm sorry for yelling too." He knelt down and unzipped her sweatshirt for her, helping her peal the clinging material off. He helped her with all of her clothes, and Erin felt like a child. She was honestly capable of undressing herself, but it was nice to have Jays help. _

_When she got out of the shower, Jay was sitting at the end of her bed with a pair of her sweatpants, and a t-shirt for her to put on. _

"_You were right. I'm done following up leads on my own, okay?" She walked over and stood between his knees._

"_You know I was just worried about you being safe, right? You never told me, or anyone where or when you were going. You didn't have any backup."_

_She nodded coyly. "I know, and I'm sorry."_

"_I'm sorry too, baby." He ran his hands up and down her exposed arms. _

_She tangled her fingers in his hair, rubbing his sculp. "I'm really tired, but I also really want you right now." She grinned biting her bottom lip. _

"_Is that right?" He smiled up at her before pulling her down onto his lap. _

_She laughed at she fell down onto him, and then faked a yawn. "Yeah, like I said, I'm pretty tired, but if you made it quick then maybe I'd be interested."_

"_Quick?" Jay grabbed the towel she still had wrapped around her body, and tugged in off in one swift move. Then he stood up with her still in his arms, and tossed her down onto the middle of the bed. "How's that for quick?" _

Erin wished that their current fight could have ended the same way. An "I'm sorry" wouldn't change anything this time around though. It wouldn't lead to playful teasing, and incredibly hot makeup sex. It wouldn't change his mind, or make him love her back. She was stuck now, for an undefined amount of time, wondering when, or even if Jay would ever be ready to love her.

* * *

><p><strong>Friendly reminder, there isn't supposed to be a good guy or a bad guy in this story. They both have their moments, driven by misguided emotion (in this chapter it's anger.) Sorry, I wasn't ready to give you your happy ending just yet. Stick around though, because I can promise you it may be a bumpy ride, but it is coming! <strong>


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